Upbringing

Being so self obsessed has its flaws. I am always looking over my shoulder wondering if I did something wrong. I usually had no bedrock so I had to be careful of my own actions, no one else was going to take responsibility for me after all. This constant state of questioning myself is not always the healthiest thing to do.

The thing I question the most? whether or not I am spoiled. Am I spoiled because I keep telling the story in a way that antagonizes my family members? Is it fair that I am retelling the story the way that I chose to? Am I complaining too much or am I only acting this way due to the upbringing I had.

I think it’s hard to measure how much you can blame your upbringing for your own actions. I think there is a scale somewhere in the universe that can weigh in though. I like to imagine an entity holding the scales like Anubis and balancing your actions in life. Did you genuinely do these actions or did you only perform these actions due to your upbringing or natural programing? Are we all truly responsable for our own actions or are we simply just a reaction to the external forces outside of ourselves?

I have always elected to never think of my actions as anyone’s will except my own. I think this mindset of the internal locus of control is necessary in life if you want to succeed. However, sometimes it’s hard to ignore your own origins and not go down the rabbit hole of speculating how they may have impacted your choices in life. There are certain things about yourself that you need to figure out for yourself in life if you truly want to understand yourself. Without analyzing your roots, it’s never the full picture.

This is the conclusion I decided on when I sought out to write my life story. While it could be biased and come under fire for all the complaining I do about the small things, it is much more genuine this way as a story about my life. The journey of finding out myself requires that I explore all the emotions as I felt them and not as I feel about them now. For better or for worse, and whether justified by my upbringing or not, all my complaining is part of me.