Chapter 12

My mom brought up some mail one day and tossed the package for me. In 2009-2010, the internet was still just a new thing to us and we didn’t know how to search up things yet. That is to say, when I opened the case up and found an invitation to receive a silver medal with my name on it, I had no idea what it meant. 

At the next lesson with CC, he sat down and told me about what I had missed. He said that after the recital. The local-legend conductor-guy had stood up to give me applause. I had not seen this and was hesitant about the news. CC then said that the Conductor guy didn’t even do that for X. Now, I was taken back. Really? A smile went across my face and he then asked me if I got any mail. I told him yes and then CC told me that he got one too. It was for the the silver medal ceremony.

The silver medal was awarded to those who had scored the highest in their region. It was a somewhat coveted prize and it came with a medal as well as an invitation to receive said medal at Koerner Hall. I was struck. I did well? Not only well but the best? 

This was kind of cool. I never thought I would receive one. To be honest, I didn’t think I would receive anything. I also never thought I would get any recognition for music ever. What a lovely surprise. I knew about Koerner Hall already since our school got invited to a music festival there  a few weeks prior and was happy I got to go back to the same place for a ceremony where I would win a medal. CC then changed his entire tune with me. He talked to me like a friend. I think this was because he never expected me to amount to anything but here I was, elevating his name in the hall of fame for RCM as an instructor with a student who won a silver medal. The rest of the lesson was very light in tone as well. No yelling today.

It was at this point, CC would talk about doing grade 8 and grade 9 for RCM. He then gave me photocopies of the repertoire and told me to start working on them as soon as I could. He also gave me a list of books to buy since RCM examinations always required proper copyrighted books of the repertoire to be brought into the examination themselves. For level 7, I had borrowed CC’s book but for level 8, he had lent the books he had to someone else who was preparing for the test and who would be taking it around the same time as me. This kind of made sense, level 8 was a popular level as you’ll recall. You may use photocopies if you like as long as you also have the original book with you on the day of the test. I think it’s the RCM’s way of making sure the publishing companies would be on their good side. Oh and in case you were wondering, this is also true if you had memorized all the pieces. Memorizing and not memorizing, you still needed a physical book that was copyrighted to the correct people to do the RCM tests. I should mention while we’re here that memorizing the pieces did net you some extra points during the exam, something I did not know until this class. 

Now, you may be thinking “wow, things are really making a turn for the better for our little protagonist here” and you were right! I was a happy camper. I got to school the next week and told everyone in the music department as soon as I could. My music teachers were all happy for me of course. 

The other RCM private lesson kids at my school questioned my level and the award. They then looked at me with some jealousy which, if I’m being honest, was the highest honor you can give to a fellow private lesson student. It was a good time at school. As for the Chinese community orchestra side, the local-legend conductor-guy had asked CC to ask if I would like to join the community orchestra. This wasn’t a huge deal because that orchestra was always looking for more players to join their ranks but what was a huge deal was he remembered my name this time and specifically asked for me. I was feeling a bit famous. I figured since I now got some recognition, why not join the orchestra to gloat a bit? No one in the Chinese classical music community had even heard about the silver medal before and now suddenly, a complete underdog of the cellos had won one? What an outcome! I was a pioneer!

Oh yeah, the Local-Legend Conductor-guy would come up a few more times so why don’t we give him a better moniker as well. Let’s call him LLC.

Anyhow, timeskip a few weeks and I was now at the first chinese community orchestra meeting where they introduced the new players. Before the meeting started, one of the other cello players came up to me and asked me about the medal. I felt a little famous. After asking me about that, I lost all the fame. They sat me at the last row of the cellos. The lowest level of hierarchy for a section. I was a bit confused at first but then I came to reality pretty quick. I was rapidly reminded that silver medal or not, I was only a RCM level 7 at the moment and furthermore, I was new here. Regardless, I was not discouraged, I sat there in the row and started learning all the music. 

The Chinese community orchestra was fun. I had to sacrifice my Fridays, for which I usually went breakdancing but I think it may have been worth it. I got to hang around a lot of decent musicians. Unlike the public school orchestra I was used to, all these kids were all private lesson takers. Everyone was good. I also got to know a lot of CC’s other students and other cello students from this community. I came to know that everyone was kinda similar. The more I got to know them, the more I liked them. We all got along and soon, I realized that all those whispers during the recitals I heard in the past were really just in my own head. Nobody was really actively trying to outcast anyone or throw shade at anyone. The private lesson takers of the orchestra were a kind bunch. I even got a bit more chummy with X. She was just a normal person facing problems normal people have. I never held that much resentment towards her and to be honest, the only resentment I had with her was the CC being a father figure and liking her more thing. That, of course, was more of a “me” problem more than a “her” problem. It would be extremely unfair to say she was responsible for being anything except a good cellist. 

Now, I am going to introduce a very important concept here that will be kind of a small snippet of conversion but will soon grow into one of the major concepts I’ll talk about in my entire life story. The concept is that it is unfair for children to bear the sins of their parents. If your parents screw up when you’re a child, it is never your fault. You should never blame the kids for parents being cheaters or gambling addicts and in the same vein of thought you should never blame the kids for parents splitting up. Kids are brought into the world by the conscious will of the adults. The adults knew what they signed up for. Whatever happens early in life with the kids is the adult’s responsibility. That’s what a parent is. 

This is a pretty easily accepted fact though it is not reciprocal in nature. The kids are responsible for the parents but the parents are responsible for the kids. When you’re a parent, a lot of the responsibility of your child is fully dependent on you. This is because the kid’s nature is a reflection of your discipline and teachings. Oh and remember, the parent’s, once again, were the ones who chose to have a kid. Parenthood was a weight your parents chose to bear. They made the bed, now they got to sleep in it. 

Why am I bringing this up? Well, as you’ll come to see. Being in the Asian community, there are a lot of intergenerational decisions. There is also a lot of dependency on our elders and respecting their opinion on matters. So what happens when the parent an Asian community has it out for you when you are good friends with their offspring? Is it fair to blame your friend for their parent’s hatred for you? Is it fair to blame them to stand up for you against their parents? If you don’t like what the parents of your friend are throwing your way, should you avoid your friend’s parents and that friend also? These questions are hard to answer when you’re in high school yourself and understand how much you depend on your own parents. 

Anyhow, in the following few months, I would get to know the other cellos even more well. I’d actually get to the point where I would even get rides from none other than X’s family. I lived on the way between her house and the rehearsal location, which was a community center in Markham. When LLC heard that I had to bus from my home to the rehearsal, he asked around and found out that X would pass by my area on the way to rehearsal. X and her family were eager to help, more indication for how good people they were. 

This arrangement meant I got to know X more as well as her mom. An extra point of interaction with both of them from and to rehearsal was something I’d never would’ve imagined a few years ago. They were kind to me. I had nothing against them. During this period I also realized that I was simply just jealous of a girl who was in all regards, just that, a girl. Not an adult and not someone plotting my demise. X was just a girl. It was really all in my head. If anything, she had, in my hind, soaked up all the toxic energy from CC passed on to me. I was using her as a punching bag for all my anxieties for cello. If anything, CC was the person to blame for my mindscape of paranoia. He was the one that fueled the fire of anxiety when he forcibly compared me again and again to X. I decided from that point forward that I would not let CC’s constant belittling of me in comparison to X make me hate X. She was not the one at fault. It was the adults. Or rather, it was one adult. It was always going to be CC. A root of a lot of problems I would experience in life. My messed up childhood and his abusive demeanor was not a winning combination.

This arrangement went on for pretty much the entire first year I was in orchestra. I was still at the last desk but I was okay with it. No pressure in the back, I could even slack a bit and have no repercussions. I was always treated as the worst so why not sometimes act a bit like it? Just kidding, I never did that. I practice my ass off for everything the orchestra threw at me. Just because I was last desk doesn’t mean I wasn’t competitive. It usually went nowhere though, X was clearly and definitely a better cello player. The others ahead of me were around my level but outranked me in seniority. Regardless, it was okay. I was fitting in. This dynamic would continue until the end of our season. We then had our community concert. I was pretty happy about the concert to be honest, our orchestra of private musicians sounded way better than that of my public school’s. During the concert, I even ignored my instincts for rivalry for a bit. When your in an orchestra, the fact that the other members were better than you was a benefit, afterall, they brought their reputation to the pool and if you were lower than them in status, you got elevated. I honestly wouldn’t have minded if this dynamic with our cello section continued the next year or even all the way through highschool. 

However, as year 2 started, a curious thing happened. 

We got a new conductor from England.