Chapter 111

The whole appeal process concluded just before Christmas of 2020. It’s fair to say that when Xmas of 2020 came around it was one of the worst ones of my entire life at the time. Nothing had gotten better from the appeals and though I had come to terms with it, I still had a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Beyond just accepting the way things were, I also tried to forgive myself in the spirit of the season. However, I met that feat with a lot more difficulty. 

I couldn’t really forgive because it seemed like I was letting myself get away with the slacking I’ve been doing. I didn’t want to get away with it. I wanted to be vindicated from it. I yearned for a chance to exonerate myself from the doubts I had. I needed to prove to myself that I was capable because I have had too many failures in the last few years. 

In life, there are very few chances for redemption. This is a fact that seems to be more true the older I get. Life doesn’t work like a movie and it doesn’t offer closure. There isn’t a climatic battle at the last act where a protagonist can overcome their situation to achieve glory and victory. Real life doesn’t work that way. Fortunately for me though, I wasn’t really living in real life yet. 

I was still technically within the realm of academia. Though I had graduated and gotten my degree, I didn’t have a license. Therefore, I still needed further testing. Essentially, I was still just a student with an exam he needed to cram for. 

The test, or tests, I needed to do were the licensing exams. This consisted of the OSCEs for which a lot of people failed and the written exam, for which I am pretty sure I’m alone in. If we just take a look at this scenario as is, there was a theme of redemption to passing these exams. I mean…I failed them once and if I take them again and pass, that’s a redemption arc right? Well…Yes, but here’s the thing. Despite the fact that I have failed both these tests, I still didn’t really take them seriously. 

Now, before you think this is going to be a recurring story about how I would get more apathy and underestimate the test again to only be left to cry about how sad or sorry I was, let me tell you that this is not where the story is going. What I meant was this. The Canadian licensing exams were not really a very well organized nor impressive achievement. Failing them sucks but passing them doesn’t necessarily hold that much prestige. I know this seems hypocritical considering I did fail them but like I said, I think that speaks more towards my apathy at the time rather than the difficulty of the testing. 

I knew that if I were to take them more seriously, I’d pass. But I also knew that when I did pass them the second time around, I would still not feel accomplished nor vindicated. It wouldn’t really be a triumph. I was seeking redemption and needed something that pushed me more. I needed something that took more investment and offered a greater challenge. Considering the licensing tests in question and just my overall academic history in the last 4 years or so, what I was looking for was a challenge that would test me at every level of optometry school starting from the beginning to the end. I wanted to not only validate my clinical skills in order to get licensed but also prove that I had overcome all the challenges I overcame and am now no longer the same person. 

All the failures of the last four years at this point have made me quite unsure of myself. Questions of self doubt haunted me all the time. Sometimes they came as whispers of uncertainty randomly occurring during the day. Have I only gotten by because I got second chances? Do I not have what it takes to tackle all the things optometry can throw at me all at once like everyone else? Am I truly just an imposter among all of my classmates? Luckily, I knew exactly the test that would shut all these voices up. 

There was a test that tested all aspects of optometry. Everything from all four years of schooling. Everything. All at once. In one exam. It is something that was brought up various times in the past though it was always in the peripherals of my academic career. I never truly looked into it seriously up until now. I am, of course, referring to the American National Examinations of Optometry (NBEO for short). 

The American NBEO examination was split into 3 parts. This was unlike the Canadian’s OEBC, which was split into 2. Part 3 of the NBEO was similar to the Canadian’s OSCEs, a clinical test. NBEO Part 2 was a test mostly about clinical cases. Finally, NBEO Part 1, while simply named just the Applied Basic Science test (ABS), was anything but basic. It was a test that evaluated EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE THING OPTOMETRY SCHOOL HAS EVER TAUGHT. 

Yeah. Seriously. Part 1 of the NBEO was a test where you would get tested on pretty much everything that may have been taught in all 4 years of optometry school. The scope of part 1 is so large that just reading through the syllabus takes a good hour or two. A quick google search will tell you that in terms of optometry tests, this test was THE WORST test. For all intents and purposes, writing this test and suffering through it was the optometrist’s rite of passage. If you can survive this test and pass it, you have what it took to be an optometrist in North America. If you want more evidence to support this narrative, look no further than the conversations around the optometry school prestige. A shallow dive into that world will tell you that among all the American optometry schools, having a good pass rate for the NBEO part 1 in their graduates is pretty much the yardstick for how good the optometry school is. 

Speaking of which, let’s look at some stats for that shall we? Statistics for the exam are publicly available for anyone to see. In 2024, accounting for all of the United States’ optometry schools, the pass rate for NBEO part 1 was around 66.71%. This means that out of 1700 applicants, 566 of them failed. This was a test where a third of applicants don’t make it through (at least on their first try). The Canadian written licensing examination, in stark contrast and as much as I struggled with it, had a pass rate that seemingly never dips past 85% for all applicants. 

The NBEO part 1 was a monster and it is very easy to be intimidated by it. The first time I saw the syllabus for NBEO part 1, I saw a deep hole with no end. There was just so much content that was being covered that going through all of it seemed like a ridiculous endeavor. I knew I would need a lot of time on it if I ever decided to work on it but hey, I did have time on my hands now didn’t I? A good six months of it before the next Canadian OSCEs in fact.

Ideally I would like to be done with the NBEO part 1 at least a month before the Canadian redos because I didn’t want to split my time studying between all of them but that still left me with a good 5 months. While this seemed like a lot, if you were to ask any US optometry student about the NBEO part 1, they would tell you that it really wasn’t all that much time. On most forums, it is said that a safe amount of time to study for NBEO part 1 is an entire year. 

I didn’t think about this too much since the 1 year of recommended studying was accounting for you still being in school. Since I was out of school, I figured 5 months to prepare for an exam should be okay. 5 months to review every single possible topic that optometry schools were supposed to teach in 4 years still sounded tough but I did feel like I could pull it off. 

It was just enough of a challenge that made it seem like it was exactly what I was looking for. Furthermore, there wasn’t really a scenario when I would completely lose here. If I passed, it would validate everything I was uncertain about myself. The worst case scenario is I would fail miserably but even then, all that cramming would serve as a great benefit for when I deal with the Canadian exams. If I were to fail the hardest optometry test, I would inevitably be bound to have some useful information reviewed. Information that I am sure will help with the Canadian board exams.  The only real cost here is the study material and the cost of the exam, both of which I was okay with.

So, even if I failed, I would still be better off than I started. While this shoot for the stars mindset was one I was aware of, I really didn’t plan on that. I was focused on passing. As I mentioned, this was more than just a test for me. I was here to prove a point. 

I needed this and I knew I wanted it. With that, I decided to register for the test. And so, on Christmas day of 2020, I paid my dues and signed on for the NBEO part 1. Then, with the fees completely processed, I decided to get to work right away. 

Still on Christmas night, I ordered new books from KMK (a well known resource for optometry licensing exams) for the NBEO part 1. While the physical books for KMK NBEO part 1 would take a few days to arrive, right after the purchase from KMK, I got access to their online lectures and study resources. The minute I opened up the online modules, it dawned on me just what I had done. I felt instant regret. 

There was an introduction video that laid out all the modules that would be covered and now, I understood why some recommended an entire year of cramming. In fact, I’m not even sure the online forums were referring to a year of cramming while in school. I felt like even if I had a year off and just crammed for the NBEO part 1 doing nothing else, I would still have trouble. I sort of knew this beforehand but even then, when it came to actually starting the process of cramming for the test, I was struck with a powerful feeling of being overwhelmed. 

It took me a minute to get composed after just watching the introduction video which laid out all the chapters. Eventually though, I did calm down. Yeah. That was a lot. But I decided to do this and now it was time to put my money where my mouth was. The only thing I had going for me right now was that I did have a whole 5 months to work it out. This means that if nothing else, I did have the time to freak out.

Or at least so I thought. 

So here’s the thing with registering for the NBEO. Not everyone can just go online and register themselves. You have to come from an optometry school recognized by the NBEO. This means that when you register, you have to input your student information, tell the administrative body what optometry school you are from, and then wait for NBEO to confirm with your school before moving on to the next step. Only after that are you given the go-ahead registration codes with Pearson VUE, a testing center facilitator, to sign up for a time and a place for the test. All of this process, very understandably, takes some time. 

It was very fortunate for me that luckily, the NBEO people worked fast and didn’t take time off between boxing day and new years. However, that was where my luck ended. When my NBEO registration was checked and completed, I got my codes to register with Pearson VUE to sign up for a test date. It was around Dec 30th at this time and I decided to register before the new year started. After inputting the codes in, I watched in horror as the portal for Pearson VUE loaded into a screen that showed only ONE single availability in ALL OF CANADA in the next 5 months. 

That’s right. ONE SINGLE SLOT that was open for the entire country.

Because of COVID, all testing centers were open at 10% capacity only. Since Pearson VUE does more than just optometry tests, most centers fill up on all of their spots months in advance. While I thought I had enough time having done my registration 5 months ahead of time, I was actually really late to the game. This was not a factor I considered when registering. Something else I forgot to consider was that COVID still being around essentially meant that I couldn’t go to the US to do my test at one of the American testing centers. There were ways around the border crossing restrictions but it was all too expensive. 

At this point I could have chosen one of two options. I could choose a later date around 6-7 months ahead where I would be doing the NBEO part 1 within a few weeks of the Canadian licensing written exam or the OSCE, or I could take the ONE single available time that was left in all of Canada. 

I was out of luck with the first option because I really didn’t want to jeopardize my study time for the Canadian licensing exam by sharing that time with cramming for the NBEO part 1. Furthermore, the benefit of reviewing everything optometry related from cramming for NBEO part 1 wouldn’t really be useful for the Canadian exams if it were to be done after the Canadian boards. 

This meant that I really had to just choose that ONE single slot. But that also wasn’t a good option either. That one single slot in Canada? It was for January 27th, in the heart of downtown Edmonton. Not only was this 27 days from now, putting me essentially at an impossible timeline to meet, I would also have to spend time and money to fly into Edmonton amidst spontaneous aviation restrictions. 

After countless searches of various FAQs for Pearson VUE, I realized that there was no other option. My options were to cram for the NBEO in just 27 days or to withdraw. That was it. The only real option here was to ask for a refund and cancel the test. This would be a stupid endeavor to pursue.

4 years of optometry school put into a single test. A single test that was recommended an entire year to study for. All of that in just 4 weeks? That was insane. With that, I drafted an email requesting to be refunded the exam fees, citing that COVID restrictions were too restrictive in Canada. Then…Just before I was about to hit send, I hesitated. 

I sat back from the computer screen and closed my eyes. I should just send the email. It would be stupid to try and actually pull this off. And yet…

A part of me pondered the question…

What if I succeed?

I closed my eyes and thought more about it. In my mind, I saw a reflection of myself. I was looking at the guy in the mirror and thinking about what to do. I felt awkward. I hadn’t liked this guy for the past few weeks since the appeals. Even before that, we had some shameful bouts. He was a familiar face but how much did I trust this guy? How much do I trust his capabilities? Is there any scenario where he can pull this off?

Before the imaginary conversation went any further. 

He spoke to me.

“You wanted a challenge. Now you’ve really got one.”

I stared back at him.

“F*ck it. Let’s do it.”