Chapter 117

When I got to the hotel from the test center, I logged onto social media just to see what I’ve missed. It was then that I realized something, this withdrawal from social media was actually a pretty good thing. Facebook and Instagram honestly didn’t really have a strong draw to me anymore. I felt like being off the apps gave me more a sense towards what I actually want as opposed to always thinking about what other people around me wanted. Without any fear of missing out or needing to see what everyone is up to, it felt like I was in a different state of mind. 

The last 27 days were really, in essence, me choosing me. I chose to spend more time on myself and working to improve myself than consider anything else and, as narcissistic as it was, I felt good about it. Why dive back into caring about everyone else so much? I have to worry about myself. 

With that in mind, I simply chose to just pay attention to my own mental state and came to realize that I was exhausted. So, along this way of thinking, I decided to quickly shower and then just go to bed. Sure enough, I must have passed out after just a few minutes. 

The next morning, I got up and for the first time in a long time, didn’t make myself any coffee. While I expected a withdrawal to kick in, since I wasn’t cramming for anything, the lack of energy actually complimented the lack of need for energy. The stress of the test was gone and with that, everything felt brighter. Colors were more vivid and it seemed like even the environment was on my side. 

I recall that day after the exam. It was bright and cloudless. The weather almost seemed to compliment the narrative of my journey here. It was a brand new day with a hopeful sun bursting with opportunity. Even as I braced the cold but sunshine-filled outdoors to the bus stop, I felt happy. Maybe it was because this was the first time sunlight had come back to my regular day in a while or maybe it was that for the first time in a while I wasn’t staring down at my notes, but regardless, I cherished the feeling of not being miserable. 

When the bus finally arrived, I got on to find it completely empty. After a while we stopped at the Edmonton airport, which was also completely empty. Following that? The plane ride, which was also still empty. Unlike the flight to Edmonton though, I gotta take it all in. I laid across my entire row of seats and napped. When I awoke to some turbulence, I looked out at the sunny rays at the city below me. My head was in the clouds and so was I. Sure, I’m still uncertain as to whether or not I passed but one thing was certain, I no longer had a huge weight on my shoulders. I felt lighter now that I, at the very least, proved to myself that I was still able to cram in the way I used to and push myself. That was enough for me for now. 

On some level, I felt like I didn’t really need to check the marks from the NBEO at all. Fail or not, it doesn’t take away from the internal struggles I had gone through to make it here. Sure I was still a bit anxious about how I performed but honestly, it wasn’t a huge deal for me anymore. It was manageable. The NBEO was always just a backup plan to Canadian boards. Moreso, it was always a testament of will and tenacity than a backup. In that line of reasoning, I did already succeed because I was able to push myself and reach the finish line. 

Shortly after landing, I saw my girlfriend waiting for me at the now completely familiar empty Pearson airport. I think it was then that I felt like I was finally home. I wasn’t just referring to just coming back from Edmonton either. I felt like I had been away from home since the beginning of this journey and now, I was done. As she hugged me, I found myself grounded.

Okay, now I’m really done.