Chapter 148

I. Am. Tired. With the house on its way to being sold and the entire ordeal about to be behind us, all that was left to get everything back to normal was the mental game. However, that is easier said than done. Mom was still withholding information and with that, the schism between us just seems to be endless. She did keep up with her promise of telling me about her finances regardless of the fact that I really didn’t want to hear about it from her. 

I think the main issue I had about this system was still that I would rather have control over her finances than hear about it from her since she is not only an unrelatable narrator, but also someone who recently got spending power back into her life. 

In this tug and pull, there are good days and there are bad days. On the good days, I can feel like I can almost forgive mom for the things that have happened and just blame everything entirely on the actual nameless criminals. On the bad days though…It’s just really tough to get through. On one particularly bad day, I had a conversation with mom that pretty much summed up everything we wanted to talk about…Here’s the recreation of that conversation. 

Me: It was not arrogance but loneliness the did you in wasn’t it?

Mom: Yes, but I couldn’t let you see the loneliness because I didn’t want to be a bother.

Don’t lie here, you were just too proud to admit that you were lonely. Then, when you lost everything, that same pride prevented you from coming to the family for help. 

No, when I lost everything, I was trying to protect you from the truth. I knew it would make you feel bad.

So what, you didn’t think I could handle it? Seriously? 

Maybe.

That is very out of character for you. I think the more plausible explanation is just to do with your shame. It took me months to finally realize what you did and then, well…you know the rest. 

I can’t change the past.

I guess in some form, this was still ego too isn’t it? You’re deciding for me what I should know and not know because you think you know better. 

Like I said, I can’t change the past. All I can do is tell you everything from now on. 

Irrespective of my wanting to hear about it or not right? 

It’s better for everyone if I do this.

I told you I’d be much happier if you just transferred all your assets to me so that I can make sure you don’t lose it all again but you still decline. 

You shouldn’t ask family for things like that.

Why not? 

It’s disrespectful.

I don’t care about that. It’s logical.

Still, you can’t ask family for things like their assets. 

If you don’t trust me, why can’t you ask T1? Or uncle? It can be anyone, just not you. 

…

They don’t want to talk to you now do they? 

…

If they don’t want to talk to you, what makes you think I’d want to?

Because you’re my son.

That’s a poor excuse.

You shouldn’t talk to me like that, one day you’ll regret it.

Do you think I enjoy being angry? 

Like I said, I can’t change the past.

[silence]

A fortune teller once told me my fortune in the past. She said that in the later half of my life, things would go badly for me in finances and also with my family. 

I know that’s an unrelated story but the fact that you’ve sent me so many anti-science links despite knowing I’m working in the healthcare field makes this story seem like a story you’re trying to piss me off. 

But those articles were true. I have freedom and rights. I can choose to believe what I want. 

Your freedom led you to freely give out our entire family’s fortunes to a stranger on the internet. If you were tricked. You should seriously think about how maybe you’re not that smart. And maybe there are others way more qualified than you to handle our family’s finances. 

Still, this isn’t China, I can say and do what I want. 

So can I. This is why I can criticize you. 

You know. It’s just money. After you lose it, it’s not so bad. 

These are empty words. You dug yourself a hole and am trying to cope with it. If you need that, fine, but don’t try to convince the rest of us that this was always the plan. 

No matter what happens, we’re still a family.

You always wanted to be a good and capable person more than you wanted to be a good and capable mom. It’s only now that you’ve failed on being the first now that you’re defaulting to being more family oriented. I’ve come to terms with this, you need to stop lying to yourself about it. 

…

Entry Over

This is the longest conversation I’ve had with my mom without it turning into yelling—and even then, you can still tell it veered in that direction at times. Even knowing all the facts, the nuances of my mom’s character just keep pissing me off. Sure, she’s a victim, but there are other traits—and the ego she carries—that contributed to where she ended up. I can’t overlook that anymore.

Another thing that keeps setting me off is my mom constantly telling me I can’t do this or that. That I can’t be angry with her, or I shouldn’t say certain things. I don’t think she understands that those aren’t logical rebuttals. She can’t just treat me like a kid and expect me to swallow everything she says like it’s gospel.

Maybe when I was younger, she could get away with that. But now that I’m older, I have a different perspective. When I was in school, I was young and constantly surrounded by other kids—I had no choice but to interact and fit in. Back then, conforming felt necessary. It was how you survived socially.

But later in life? That need fades. You stop caring about what other people think about something, and start caring about what you think about it.

In other words, when I was young, I didn’t place much value on my own opinions or decisions. I followed the adults’. Now that I’m older and know I’m more capable, I’m choosing to value my own judgment more. Especially when I’m talking to an adult who’s shown they can’t even be trusted with their own choices.

This period of time after the house was sold was the most turbulent. There was no longer an immediate danger with my mom’s finances, which meant we didn’t really need to communicate as much anymore.

But that distance came with anxiety. My mom still hadn’t proven herself trustworthy, and her consistent unwillingness to give up any control meant there was no wiggle room. I couldn’t just ignore her—she still held too much influence, and I still couldn’t trust her.

Caught in this impossible situation, I eventually just felt like it was all too much.

I knew I needed a way out of this psychological slump… but how?