Chapter 19

The winning of Kiwanis with my school’s choir had happened right after the university applications. While it occupied my time for a bit, it was now over. I was once again thrown into a new world with no distractions from the fact that I was no longer a private-lesson-taking music student. More so than that, I now didn’t know what I wanted to do with music. I decided to look within myself and find out what I really wanted to do with classical music. I thought to myself:

I had fun with everyone and won with everyone. I did not have fun when music was just my own thing and done individually.

However…

When I was soloist, I was pushing myself more than I was with the group. 

Though it was fun to wallow in the carefree world of public school music education, I wanted to stand out. Despite the ceasing of CC’s toxic verbal abuse, I realized that all the years spent with him had fully ingrained in me a drive to do well in classical music. It was a competitive drive. A type A personality towards greatness. No matter how much I thought I had suppressed my competitive side in classical music by convincing myself that I had accepted the status quo of CC and Mr. Prodigy, I still had an inkling of an idea to stand out even among them. It’s hard to say whether it was all these years of conditioning by Asian parents and CC to always want to be the best or if I had always had a competitive edge that was there and simply presented itself when I was introduced to music but however it came to be. I realized that I still wasn’t done with being competitive at classical music. I wasn’t ready to just be a public school music student. I wanted to stand out and be exceptional. 

I came to the conclusion that regardless of my desires, my time with classical music was coming to an end. Or at least coming towards a crossroads. When university would start, I would be going into STEM. All the classical music involvement I had with my high school and the chinese orchestra was going to go away. I would need to then focus really hard on my studies for my career and it seems it would almost be impossible to continue private lessons for cello at this point. Once in university, it was time to go full time into career mode. My grades were going to matter and I was going to be going all-in on science. So what did I want to do before this ? I wanted to compete as a soloist in a classical music competition. I wanted one last chance at glory in classical music. I knew the competition I wanted to compete in as well. I wanted to the Kiwanis competition but time as a soloist.

Now you may be thinking… 

You just went through a major life experience where you found out that if you depend on others instead of comparing yourself to others, you would feel great and achieve success. Are you really sure you want to ruin that positivity with diving back into the competitive mindset? 

Yes. 

Beside the fact that I had been ingrained with the competitive scene through my years, there were two other reasons for this. 

The first reason was that in all my time of being compared to others and being told that they were better than me, we’ve never truly competed. The comparison was always just banter that was thrown around and they were always usually just verbal abuse tools used by CC. They had no merit behind the harsh words. A Kiwanis competition would be much more objective and equal playing field as the judges were objective observers trained to specifically compare you to others. The judges were also strangers. They weren’t your teacher and they weren’t CC. They had no preconceptions of you and did not know your competitor’s parent’s or their social status. Instead of judging you based on the rumors or distant whispers, they would only judge you on your ability as a musician. The competition, in simple terms, was a way to value my own musical prowess on an objective level (as objective as you possibly can in a competition of the arts). 

The second reason for my solo entry into Kiwanis was I actually did want to see how I would do without any help from CC. I was going solo and going solo in every sense. I wanted to see if I had what it takes to do it all on my own. No help from mom, no help from CC and no help from anyone. I was going to see how much of a name I could make for myself as just me working my hardest. 

Without too much delay, I made up my mind and then got to work. 

First, I registered myself for Kiwanis and paid all the fees with my lifeguarding money. I remember feeling excited by all the control I now had over my own life and music career. I also felt kinda good when I went online and typed in “None” when they prompted me to input my cello teacher’s name. Unlike the silver medal I won and won for CC, I wasn’t giving him a shred of my spotlight this time. If I was going to win, I would do it alone. If I lose, same thing. I am taking full responsibility for the competition this time. It was time to see if all those years of verbal abuse would leave me with some wings to fly myself or if I had truly never learned much and needed CC’s guidance to be any type of successful in classical music. 

Second, I went and bought all the repertoire and sheet music with, once again, my lifeguarding money. Finally, there was one more thing I needed to do before the grind to get my repertoire ready. I needed a good pianist for accompaniment. 

I was still a part of the Chinese community orchestra despite no longer being a student of CC’s. I had paid for my membership to them for the rest of the year and was intending to complete my time. I knew a lot of the other musicians in the orchestra were not only proficient at their orchestra instrument but also at the piano. Afterall, the other sections, specifically violins, were full of ARCT students (RCM max level) and as you’ll recall, there was a piano level 6 requirement. 

I figured since they all had at least dabbled in piano, they would either be good pianists themselves or would know a good pianist who I can hire for my accompaniment. I was planning on just asking around but just before I got around to asking for pianist aid, I caught wind of a mood or tone change. 

Something changed in the last few orchestra rehearsals since I left CC. It made me feel a bit uneasy. I couldn’t tell if it was just my paranoia but I felt like I was getting death glares left and right from the parents. The participants of the orchestra didn’t seem to know much but as I mentioned, the drama usually didn’t occur between the kids in the orchestra, it was always with the parents. 

I put my finding a pianist on hold. I needed to find out what was going on. 

My biggest clue to something being amiss was from X. Previously, I considered us to be pretty good acquaintances. I would almost go as far as to call us friends. But she seemed to be more distant now. This was a telltale sign and not at all difficult to infer.

She was CC’s favorite student and I was CC’s longest lasting student. Though I wasn’t a pillar of the community, I was at least known on some level. A part of me thought that maybe CC wouldn’t really care much about our separation because all the years of abuse made me truly believe he thought very little of me. However, after some thought, I figured that my separation would probably at least turn a few heads. The most sensitive to my absence would definitely by X and her mom just based on how close they were to CC. And also probably because this was juicy gossip. 

I’m sure that CC had told X’s mom about how I fired him as a teacher. I’m sure X’s mom may have told a few people soon after that. I suddenly got a bit more paranoid after this realization. All the parent’s of the musicians in the orchestra chat. They have their own ecosystem. I wonder if someone spun the story. What was the story CC told? Did he make me seem like an arrogant brat who thought he was too good for him? Did he spin the story in a way that made himself the teacher that did everything in his power to help me only for me to turn my back on him? I really doubt that he would tell everyone the truth. 

It’s not that I doubt CC’s moral fortitude that I think CC probably spun the story. The truth was simply too ugly and bad for business for CC. Furthermore, the truth was already easily known to most parents who knew CC. It simply never got said enough. 

The truth of the matter is this. It was his temper and his constant verbal abuse. 

This is not news. This is not a plot twist or a surprise. Everyone knew this. Hell, my entire beginning of the blog was about me bitching about CC’s abuse in one way or another. However, will everyone consider this as the reason for me leaving CC? The obvious answer of “I’ve simply had enough of him”? Would the parents and the propagators of rumors settle for me simply growing out of my relationship with CC? I’m not sure. I can’t tell what side they picked but seeing as how I never got asked to explain my side of the story, I figured I would probably be painted as the villain. 

I feel like I should give a bit more context towards what other parents knew of CC. X was his shining student and most of the orchestra musicians and their parents knew CC from X’s views of CC. X, afterall, was First Cello and very talented. X and her mom spun stories about how nice CC was and I’m sure the other parents got the perception that CC was a good teacher. 

However…

Ask anyone who has ever had CC as a cello teacher and you’ll hear a very different story. Most of the students of CC wouldn’t make it past the first few lessons. It was commonplace for students to cry and run out of his room after he had been so mean to them. CC was not a nice man. I speculate that he genuinely enjoyed belittling children for not learning music fast enough or good enough. At the very least it didn’t feel like tough love to me but like I said, he was the only father figure I had and I am all sorts of messed up from our relationship. Maybe take what I say with a grain of salt. 

Still think I’m being unfair? Okay, here’s another explanation that is probably more grounded in truth. 

I simply don’t think he had the patience to actually sit through the process of teaching children music. He was not a caring guardian who helped you grow. He was more of a slave owner who pushed you as far as you can. A better analogy would probably be more of a coach but I don’t really want to compare him to a positive role model because like I said, I don’t think he did things out of tough love. 

Those who have known CC knew that he had a very high and constant turn-over of students. If any of the parents from the community orchestra dug a bit deeper into CC’s past beyond what X was telling them, they would find this fact out easily. Then, they would probably know that maybe, it was CC and not the students of CC that was the problem. 

I always wondered how X’s mom’s referrals to CC would go. Would the family friends of X’s mom go to CC and then question their relationship with X when they found out what kind of person X’s mom thinks is good company? Would CC treat X’s mom’s family friends better than others? Would they secretly quit CC’s lessons and then never speak with CC nor X’s mom again? I was really curious. 

Speaking of referrals, want to hear something hilarious? 

My mom was still on CC’s side for the majority of our time with him and she had also referred family friends to X. My mom, who was on CC’s side in the beginning when I started out with him and even joined in when he would scold me, was bringing other people to experience CC for themselves. Even later on, when she wouldn’t be allowed in the room anymore, she would still recommend and refer CC to her friends and tell them to learn cello with CC. This would become a problem in two ways. 

The first was personal. Mom still referring friends to CC felt like she was still thinking CC was a decent person after all the abuse he’d given me. It felt like she was still taking his side. A wedge between mom and me was about to evolve. At this stage in my life, I had still not blamed mom for being a bad mom but the idea was starting to catch on. That idea, which sparked such dissonance between my mom and me, was ignited every time she took CC’s side and didn’t defend me from his verbal abuse. I was silent when I was younger but towards the end of my time with CC, I was sick of it. I came to accept how horrible mom can be. 

If you’re an Asian parent still thinking that the end justifies the means and that you don’t care about your offsprings’ happiness as long as they succeed, just know that you will have to live with the possibility that the offspring will hate you. Not the teenager kind of hate either. Genuine hatred. Let my story be a lesson to you if this is not what you want. Have a heart sometimes and show that you care sometimes. 

Don’t forget that the harsh demands you have for your kid is not a means for yourself to get a power trip. If you’re a good parent, make sure that any tough love is truly meant for the betterment of your child. Don’t blur the lines here. This is why the Tiger Parent mentality is risky. You may do as my mom did and descend from an idea of tough love to straight up abuse. If there’s a CC in the picture then you may even find yourself at a crossroads. To this day, a part of me is pissed off that CC has played a role in ruining my relationship with mom. Though he wasn’t the main reason for our estranged status in the present, his history with me and my mom did play a role. 

The second problem was that CC was a terrible person and every time my mom introduced a new friend and their kid to CC, they would go to CC for a bit then quit immediately. This entire conversation really discredited my mom and got the other parents asking how could she let anyone go to him for such a long time? I kid you not when I say that my mom would regularly get stories from family friends who said that their kid got in fights with CC after spending just a few minutes with him. Instead of thinking maybe CC isn’t the best for me, she found those stories hilarious even though she saw firsthand how things went. 

Most family friends that were sent to CC had the good conscience to leave CC as soon as possible. Unfortunately, some of the family friends did stay. I couldn’t for the life of me think of why but maybe it was because I had started to garner some success from my cello playing. Maybe they dug into CC’s selling of the idea of tough love and thought that if they just let CC abuse their kid for a bit, their kid would become as good at cello as me. This was just a theory though. Though it was the only reason I can think of on why they would stay. 

While I never thought of any responsibility as a role model for anyone, I felt a bit bad about the idea that I caused some other people to be introduced to CC. In the end, I guess this is just another good reason to leave him I suppose. 

Now, why am I mentioning so much about referrals to CC? Is it just a rant? Not entirely. It’s a segway. How? Well…You know that we refer to CC with our family friends and you know that it doesn’t work out very well. But read between the lines and you’ll find out that when it does work out, it is usually because of the merits of CC’s students. In some ways, I was a part of CC’s resume and credibility. As long as I remained a student of CC’s, I could be used as an example to lure in more students. Does it say something when you verbally abuse the student who you use as an example to try and advertise yourself? It does. It really does. 

Anyhow, the few family friends of my mom’s that stuck around CC eventually would catch wind of my exodus. I think at this point my theory about family friends forcing their kids into my shadow by sending them to CC was confirmed. My achievements, however little they may have been, was a selling point for CC after all. It was something that anchored, at least some, family friends to CC. They were promised that they would get something out of clearing ello like I had. Maybe they thought that the verbal abuse was part of the deal and that I was a sign of the deal going towards fruition. Maybe they would think that the abuse would be known to be worth it in the end. But now that I left and for a reason that they can probably surmise, it was a point of contention. For CC, this was bad business. The referrals I had for friends and family may leave with my exodus. If they would leave as I did, he would lose out on income. 

While my mom didn’t say anything and especially not that I got sick of him verbally abusing me all the time, I think our family friends knew what was going on. They didn’t need much because they knew mom and they knew that if it was a positive separation, we’d be at least talking about it. The fact that we didn’t speak much to this at all meant that it was not a mutually happy separation. Put this together with CC’s temper and method of teaching and they can probably figure out that he had simply lost another student. A student that was arguably able to handle the most amount of verbal abuse had left. I was no longer going to be a pillar of solidarity in the face of scrutiny. Even me, his longest lasting student, have had enough. 

This is all speculation. That I will admit willingly, but what came after this? As expected, all of my mom’s family friends all started quitting him as well. Now, there weren’t that many, to be honest. We were talking to maybe 2 or 3 family friends and if we’re really honest, due to his high turnover, it probably didn’t make much of a difference from his routines. However, the bigger blow was that now he had 1 less star student on his resume. My mom was no longer referring friends to him also and that further made it bad for business I suppose though, like I said, we never did refer that much.

I would imagine the worst of this was that he now had a silver medal plaque that was given to him by a student who no longer could stand him. I would like to think he would look back at the plaque and think about how I may have turned out had he treated me better. But who knows. This entire relationship with CC is complicated. All I can tell you is my side. 

Now, in case you’re thinking that I had something to do with this, I didn’t. I would even testify under law about this following statement. 

I have never said a single bad thing about CC to any of my friends nor family friends. In truth, I never talked about CC at all. He was not a topic I said anything about. In fact, when I quit being CC’s student, I had left quietly. If he didn’t tell anyone, no one would’ve even known. But as I left and all of my family friends also departed from his influence, I think enough people started connecting the dots. Now, what would you do in his situation? 

I suspect him being outed was not good for business and in an attempt to save some face, he started to claim that the rumors of him being an angry little man was not due to the evidence supported by first hand accounts of those who knew him. He claimed that his high turnover of students and the students crying after being in the room with him for a few minutes was because I had started the rumor out of spite for him. He said that I had badmouthed him a lot and told others to quit. That was the reason why he was losing out of business. The last thing I would do to help CC was act as a scapegoat for his known bad temper. I think he would claim that the bad temper thing he was known for? It was not the truth. It’s a story concocted by me. 

Now, that was a lot of accusations for a character assassination. What was my source? The person who confirmed this to me was a newbie of the Chinese orchestra. He was a new student of CC’s and his parents were a bit worried about the rumors of CC being mean and impatient with his students. Rumors that Mr. Newbie heard from previous students of CC. As Mr. Newbie got in a room with CC and started his lessons, he quickly found out that the rumors were true. He quickly quit CC after just a few lessons.

As he was quitting, he heard CC chatting with his mom and asking her if I had anything to do with it. He then said I had started bad mouthing him and that I shouldn’t be trusted. This was kind of the next level of hypocrisy. Mr. Newbie was in the next room and just witnessed the rumors coming into fruition and yet, CC was right there, trying to claim that the rumors were started by me. For Mr. Newbie, CC was trying to sell alternative facts in front of his face. He didn’t like this. 

I did consider Mr. Newbie a relatively reliable source. We had not been too close and to be honest, there was nothing he could gain from lying about something as precise as this. Furthermore, all the other glares around the orchestra made me think they had thought I was really badmouthing him. That was evidence enough for me. If CC told that to Mr. Newbie who was a new student, he must have then, without uncertainty, told X and X’s mom. They, then, must have told everyone. Since my mom wasn’t with me at these orchestra rehearsals, there was no one there to defend me. I was the scapegoat and this is how I will be remembered by the Chinese community orchestra when I graduate. 

Anyhow, I had heard this story from Mr. Newbie right when I was looking for a pianist for Kiwanis but after hearing about this from Mr. Newbie, I felt alone and couldn’t do it anymore. I no longer wanted to ask around for pianists for hire. I felt glares around me and felt completely isolated. I had been outcast. My kinship with X? I’m sure it was completely burned as well. She would most definitely side with CC. X’s mom? The nice lady who drove me from and to rehearsals at one point? Welp, I was now an enemy in her eyes. The world was against me now.

But it didn’t stop there.

It turns out there was another rumor about me in this entire fiasco. This one I heard by accident. Remember Y? My buddy and the new conductor who was to succeed LLC? She was still driving me to and from the Community orchestra practice. She was often very busy and still trying her best to maintain relations with the other parents in the orchestra. She would try her best to fit in with the community though as I mentioned, she did have some large shoes to fill. Anyhow, she was still my ride after rehearsal. Sometimes, she had other responsibilities after rehearsal and we would leave a bit later. This would be when I would be told about the 2nd rumor. 

We had finished rehearsal like any other Friday and Y was chatting with some parents. I stood outside and got ready to leave. This was common. Chatting outside of rehearsal was a good way to get more insight into the community. As I was sitting outside though, I overheard someone talking with LLC. 

They said I was badmouthing the entire orchestra. 

This was a blatant lie. 

This one hurt. 

I had respected LLC a lot for his dedication to show up even when he was sick. I didn’t want to be outed by him as a bad apple. Why would someone tell him this? Why were these rumors being made about me? This person conversing with LLC was a stranger too! A parent of one of the violinists who I had zero contact with. No connection, yet she found it in her to tell LLC shade about me. How far have the rumors spread? My only hope was that LLC would not fall for such random rumors but I really never sucked up to him or had a parent or guardian stand by me for this. 

Next rehearsal, as the orchestra all gathered and took out our instruments, LLC made his usual announcements. He talked about rehearsals, repertoire and venues for performing. Then, right before we started, he turned to me and asked me if I was planning to stay with the group. At first I was just a bit confused. I thought he was joking, so I told him yes, I was planning on staying until the end of the season. He turned away and said “good, good. Let’s get started.” Right after we spoke, I realized how odd of a question this was. And to ask that in front of the entire orchestra just to me? Why?

What did he mean? Did the rumors get to him? I knew X and her mom interacted with him often so it wouldn’t be so surprising if he did indeed know the rumors. Did he want me to quit? Did he want to confirm his suspicions? What was going on? These questions continued in my head as the rehearsal went on. During break, I just sat around looking over my notes for the pieces we did. I didn’t speak with anyone anymore. I think the parents may have objections with me speaking with their kids and I didn’t want to cause any contention. I was a bad influence in their eyes now. That I was sure.

In that car ride home. I seriously considered asking Y if those rumors actually existed but I figured out two things:

One, if she did know, she would’ve likely told me.

Two, if she didn’t know, this may not sit well with her. 

Furthermore, if she didn’t know, but was made aware of these rumors about me, she may have to confront X or LLC. As previously stated, Y was having some issues with the succession of the community orchestra already. I really didn’t want to make this harder for her and set off any more conflicts between her and the orchestra. 

I figured, since I was going to be going to University after this season anyhow, my suffering had an endpoint and I was definitely going to be able to withstand these death glares for a few months. I wouldn’t be around anymore so why take things so seriously? The best I could do for Y is to just do my job as a cellist and then leave without leaving any conflicts behind for her. I had then decided to keep our conversations about random things and drove it away from any rumors. 

Luckily, I also knew a very specific conversation topic to chat about. I spoke with Y about accompaniment and my desire to do Kiwanis as a soloist. She was very supportive. Also, as it turns out, she was definitely the one to ask about this. She quickly listed like 3 names of pianists off the top of her head who lived in the city and who would love a gig being my accompaniment for Kiwanis. Just like that, I was now fully on track to do Kiwanis myself. 

It was pretty easy to get in contact with the accompanist and set up a meeting time. We booked some rehearsal time around 2 months in advance of the competition. It would be far from now but I couldn’t procrastinate. I needed to get to work on the Kiwanis repertoire. Though my head was occasionally wandering off thinking about how to survive the Chinese community orchestra for the next month, I managed to get started with the repertoire somehow. I was sad by how my legacy would be with the orchestra but I can say that I did succeed in turning the other cheek here. I did not substantiate nor comment on any rumors. I left it all alone. I hope that with time, CC’s nature will be revealed. 

But who knows, I’ve lost all contact with CC and then following my graduation. In any case, that was probably for the best.