Chapter 21

Remember Y? My friend and the next conductor of the Chinese community orchestra? Yeah her! She contacted me regarding a gig. 

She knew that I was busy. Afterall, I was doing University applications, school, lifeguarding and my own solo Kiwanis. But she asked me if I would be interested in playing in her private orchestra. She knew that I would love this opportunity despite all that. And she was right. I was thrilled by the invite despite all the things I was taking on. 

The gig was for a concert she was hosting for her old flute teacher. Y was funding it herself and was selectively inviting all the members of her orchestra. If I decided to do this, the concert would happen after the Community orchestra concert and before my Kiwanis competition. This was manageable time-wise but it would dig a bit into my practicing. All things considered however, I was doing a competition and every second counts. I went back and forth thinking about this. Eventually, I decided that I really did want to do it. In truth, I knew I was leaving the orchestra and would be graduating. My time on stage is limited and few for the future. Also, if nothing else, I just wanted to hang out with Y for a bit more. 

Oh yeah. One last thing. This was a paid gig. 

That’s right. This is the first gig I got that actually paid money! I was actually very thrilled. It wasn’t lifeguard money and it was just an invitation from a friend but it was still a paid performance. I thought this was never gonna happen for me. Though it was just being funded by a friend, I figured one more concert before I left for University wouldn’t be such a bad idea. 

The repertoire for the concert wasn’t incredibly difficult. It was pretty easy to learn and didn’t take up too much time out of my Kiwanis drilling. The biggest issue with the repertoire was actually that some of the sheet music that was used was quite messy with the photocopying. 

At this point, I had figured I would try and help Y out a bit. She was funding and organizing an entire concert. I knew she must have had a lot on her hands. Anyhow, I figured that since the photocopies looked so horrible and messy, maybe it would be nice if I cleaned it up. I was a poor high school student at the time and hadn’t discovered the pirate bay yet so I went on MuseScore, a free music notation software, and copied our sheet music note for note in a clean and nicely spaced page. There were no copyright issues since one, this was a private concert and two, the piece we performed was written by another member of the Chinese classical music community. In fact, it was actually my music theory teacher though this never truly played much of a role in anything. Anyhow, I made around 8 photocopies and figured it would be enough for our cello section to have just so we would be more together as a group and have one less thing to complain about. 

When I got to the first rehearsal for Y’s private concert, I would find out three things that would really spice things up. First, I wasn’t at the last seat for cellos like I usually was. Y had put me in the middle. I was ecstatic. I never got special treatment before and though I knew I didn’t deserve it this much, it felt good. Second, I wasn’t the only one with the idea of rewriting the poorly photocopied pieces. In fact, there had been two cello players that Y invited to her orchestra who had done some rewriting of the pieces. I was only one of them. I somewhat expected this. This is a paid gig, you should definitely put your best foot forward. But what was surprising was who the other person who printed the copies was. 

The other person who was invited and also made copies of the music on their own volition was…X.

That’s right. X was also invited. I should’ve known this bit. As much as I may have made it seem like Y was exclusively my friend. That’s just she was the only one I interacted that much with. In reality, Y interacted with everyone else a lot as well. She was the conductor of our orchestra. What did you expect? Also, in case you were wondering, did X and Y get along? Of course they did. Since X was in so many circles of the Chinese classical music community, it made sense she would have also been invited. X being invited was good for a lot of reasons. Politically, the orchestra succession with LLC was still incomplete and roaring in the background. Having a powerhouse of social status like X’s mom on Y’s side was a great advantage. Musically, I still thought that X was better than me and definitely an asset to have in the orchestra. It just made sense. In truth, I wasn’t that surprised. If anything, I was more surprised I got the invite than anything I saw on the first rehearsal. 

As the players got to settling down in their seats. Both X and I exchanged some glances and talked a bit. It was awkward. I think she knew that her mom had a high probability of being one of the people who let loose the rumors making me the scapegoat for CC’s bad temper. I never confronted her about it. I wanted to give X the benefit of the doubt and say she didn’t help fan the flames but I honestly can’t tell. In my mind, not knowing was better. I didn’t want to fully acknowledge that I’ve lost a friend. Things were uncomfortable to say the least but we couldn’t talk about any of this, this was Y’s orchestra and we didn’t want to make a fuss about our problems.

As we settled down, we both went around giving our sheet music to the other cello players and clearly her’s looked much better. I think she may have used Sibelius, the most prominent sheet music writing tool. My sheet music, written on a free open source software, looked like doodles compared to hers though to be honest, it was just a few pages of sheet music. Seeing as how everyone was on edge and something even as trivial as using who’s sheet music may set something off, I just simply hid my music away and decided to just use hers. I couldn’t complain and I couldn’t do much of anything. I thought I dodged the bullet. However, as I got to my seat, I saw a conflict waiting to spark. 

As I got to my seat in the middle, I found out X was sitting behind me. 

Now, you may be thinking that I would be super happy with this outcome. Afterall, I was now ahead of X. I had won. I was now outranking her. But here’s the thing, I didn’t think of X as a rival nor an enemy firstly. I thought she was a good musician first and foremost. Better than myself might I add. To be honest, I felt like I didn’t deserve to sit in front of her because on merit alone, she did indeed have more experience. Furthermore, I was frightened by this because as I mentioned, the Chinese community’s parent’s, X’s mom included, were not happy with me at the moment. I predicted then that X’s mom would probably see this as an act of outrage. She first thought I had committed some cardinal sin of turning my back on a teacher and now she sees her daughter being behind me in an orchestra. That was a timebomb if I saw one. Furthermore, even though I didn’t say it plainly, I’m pretty sure it was her that was out there trying to character assassinate me with the rumors. What I’m trying to say is that I think she was already out to get me. This wouldn’t go well with the whole thing. 

After the first rehearsal, I went up to Y and I told her that maybe I shouldn’t be sitting in front of X. I think that was nice of her to do and to be honest, I really did appreciate the chance but I didn’t want to stir the pot and cause bad blood against X nor her mom. I didn’t have much of an ego. I was simply trying to look out for Y. I had nothing against X’s family after all. They even drove me to and from rehearsals in the past, remember? I also told Y that both X and I were about to graduate and go on to University, we would not be a part of the Chinese community anymore soon. If we kept X sitting behind me, I think it’ll burn a bridge for everyone as I left. I really didn’t really want to burn any bridges so close to our departure. I honestly thought this was fair and to be honest. I didn’t care much about prestige or placement in an orchestra. I was already happy because I was invited to a paid gig. That was already a victory in my eyes.

Y didn’t agree with me though. Y turned to me and told me that she didn’t think there really was a problem here. She then told me that she had made the decision not based on merit but based on sound. Y did the conductor’s job the way I think people were supposed to do the conductor’s job. She thought of music through the lens of sound. She wanted to keep me where I was because in her mind, she was thinking:

“Which positioning of my musicians would produce the best sound?”

This was suppose to be the way things are done. If you have an orchestra, and knew the players, you would place them in places that elevate the group dynamics the most. If you have a player who plays louder? Put them further back. A player that plays beautifully but is soft? In the front they go! She thought my cello would be nicely suited to the middle of the pack and furthermore, she thought I would get along and blend with the person I was sitting next to. This was Y’s judgment sound-wise. Furthermore, she told me that this was her concert. The situation was kind of a “she can do what she wants” kind of deal because she is paying for the whole thing. I didn’t have a good rebuttal. It’s hard to use emotions and rumors of social interactions to argue with artistic direction. I told Y that I was thankful and decided to stay at my post. 

A private concert was difficult to host. To organize so many musicians and so many rehearsals all with an incredibly short timeline was no small task. We had only around 4 or 5 rehearsals for Y’s concert. I knew this was pretty normal for paid gigs from my music teachers at school so I even made sure to take time out of practicing for my Kiwanis competition to get to know the repertoire for Y’s concert better. Paid gigs are demanding and I didn’t want to screw this up. You go to show up, ready for perform. That was the deal. To that end, I would eventually end up going to the Kiwanis competition with only my Bach’s Suite No. 3 completely memorized, a sacrifice I had carefully planned out. I had to use sheet music for my Kol Nidrei and while that may sound like a bit of an excuse, in truth, I felt better about this whole ordeal this way. Though the repertoire for Y’s concert was easy, I just really wanted to show appreciation and help out as much as I can to the first adult in the Chinese classical music community to show me kindness. I hoped that if I pulled my part, Y would be less stressed. 

It was the only thing I could do and it was futile in helping her out much on its own. Y was very stressed. She was conducting for the Chinese community orchestra as well as organizing her own private concert. At the Chinese Community orchestra’s year-end concert, we did the usual concert and had a good time. I felt happy with the whole thing and took it in as much as I could but it didn’t feel as good as I hoped though. I was character assassinated and the adults in the place knew me as someone who spoke poorly of my old music teacher, not as just some guy in the orchestra. They gave me some stares. I still tried to not think too much about it as the night ended, it was my last performance with the orchestra, I didn’t want to go away from it feeling like I’d tainted the legacy of LCC’s orchestra.

I really wish I could have mentioned more about the Chinese community orchestra because in truth, the groupo did mean something to me. I had friends there. I had fun with them. But I wouldn’t get any closure from my graduation from the group. The bad blood and toxic rumors were now so rampant I was now an outcast. Furthermore, I had another orchestral concert coming up in a few days. I tried to focus on Y and her concert. You could tell that Y was exhausted. Not only that though, she couldn’t even stop. While I had to perform in the private orchestra a few days from now, a couple of days later Y would have to conduct that concert.

Amidst all the chaos, there was something else that was also bugging her though. I caught on to what it was pretty quick. There was a rehearsal for her private concert that occurred a day after the Community orchestra concert. At the start of the rehearsal, Y came up to me before we got settled down and told me she had to move me to the last chair. I didn’t even flinch. I asked her if she was okay. She told me she was busy and exhausted but will do fine. I said alright and went about moving myself to the last desk again. I would later find out that what had happened was, Y got into a scuffle with X’s mom and got scolded for placing me in front of X. By the looks of things, Y tried to keep her ground but because of how many things she was juggling, she had to cave in. I told her it’s fine. I knew this would happen. It was just terrifying to think that Y was the conductor and the sponsor of the orchestra and yet, X’s mom still had her way. 

I didn’t care about moving but I thought about it a bit more. What must have X’s mom done to gain so much power. Also, if she is this formidable, what kind of person did she paint me to be? My legacy with the Chinese community orchestra is done for. I would never return. I think if there was a blacklist for the group, I would be now number 1 on the charts. 

I felt bad for Y. I knew she must have stood up for me. Afterall, I first even offered to move back willingly and she said a very good reason to keep me where I was. I didn’t know the steps it took to get here but from what I gathered, this is how it went down. 

CC got involved after being prompted by X’s mom to speak with Y. X was CC’s favorite student so that definitely made sense. CC was on good terms with Y and used that as leverage to push Y towards X’s mom’s will. With growing pressure from both X’s mom and CC, Y had to bend against her will and move me a few seats back. I think they may even have threatened to pull X from the orchestra if I didn’t get moved behind her. I think removing X from the orchestra was definitely more trouble than removing me. I had no one after all and X’s got both CC and her mom on her side. Furthermore, once again, I think it was just not worth burning the bridge between Y and X’s mom and CC. X’s mom and CC were prominent members of the Chinese classical music community afterall, bad blood with these kinds of people leads to bloodshed. 

Anyhow, I got moved. To the very last spot. I was left there with another random cellist whom I didn’t really get to interact much with. I was kind of used to being in the last row now but what I didn’t like was how I was placed there. The steps taken were just too low. 

Now imagine you’re in my chair. I had been attacked and character assassinated by rumors. Now the only person who gave me a chance was being attacked for even showing me an ounce of kindness. All the while, I have not done anything except leave a toxic relationship where I got verbally abused. Would you take it sitting down? I didn’t. I got angry. But how and who do I vent to? I couldn’t vent to Y. She had too much going on and she couldn’t do anything. Also, I wouldn’t want her to do anything, she had already done enough for me. I couldn’t vent to people in the orchestra as well, talking about this would simply solidify the rumors since I had nothing but bad things to say about CC. I also couldn’t vent to mom, she was never on my side and simply did not want to. Our relationship was scarred and this was the crux of it. There was no one to talk to. I thought about who I could vent to and got nowhere. Could I just yell into the ether? I tried it but it didn’t really help. A rant only works when someone is there listening to you. So where would you go? 

Well. At this point, it was around 2012 and everyone was on this thing called Facebook. Maybe you heard of it? In the beginning of Facebook, we were all posting things left and right. Since I was a high schooler during this period, I can confess that most of what we posted back in the day was pure cringe. But hey, it was an outlet. It was a wall where I could vent out. I had almost no friends from the Chinese community orchestra either so most of this wouldn’t get anywhere seen. Or so I thought at least. Anyhow, I had never posted angry things on Facebook before but this time, I made the mistake to do so. 

I’ll save you the cryptic details but essentially, what I had written was something along the lines of “I quit you, can you please just leave me alone?” with a lot of swear words sprinkled in just for extra pain relief. It was rude and angry but also very cryptic. In the end, the post felt like a noncoherent string of random angry speak. This was not intentional but it was how it came out. 

The thing is, if you knew me and had an inkling of what was going on, you would know what was going on. The post was mainly directed at my friends who weren’t in the Chinese community orchestra but have had the unfortunate fate of knowing CC. While I never spoke out before, I was now cryptically telling them I was fed up with CC. 

To the uninitiated, it was just a string of random thoughts and if I got asked about it, I could simply brush it off as something minor like a random stranger pissing me off on the subway or something. I could vent out without directly confronting the issue. I had a way to talk myself out of it. The way the post played out was I got to be angry in a public setting but got to keep my deniability for what it was.

I thought I was clever. But if I am being honest, I was a bit unaware of what I had done. Looking back, I kind of regret doing this. While at the time it felt good to finally vent, I would learn really quickly that if you post something online, chances are people are going to see it.