Chapter 33

Had I been abandoned? Psychologically being abandoned twice was a problem but the more immediate issue was, how do I get back to the hotel and get my stuff? If my mom and dad really left the music venue, I would be lost. Since my Chinese was much to be desired, I didn’t know if I would even be able to find my way back. From my mental map and tracing back through all the events that happened today, I figured that the hotel wouldn’t be too far away. However, I wasn’t really familiar with the hotel. Afterall, the coupons we were living off of were usually only good for one night at each hotel. Moreso, I only recall the symbol of the hotel. I had actually not recalled the name of it since it was in Chinese and I could barely read the language. This wasn’t a lot to go off of. More problematically, if there was another hotel with a similar brand, I may have a very hard time finding home. Regardless, the biggest question on my mind right now was, do I leave the concert to go after mom and dad? I really didn’t want to since this was the one event I actually wanted to attend. But how can I enjoy the music with the anxiety of knowing I may be left in the middle of a random Chinese Music Hall with no working phone and barely any identification? 

We had gotten to the venue around 30 minutes prior to the actual event. After we got in, we fought for around a good 10 minutes. When mom and dad stepped out, it was just as the concert was beginning. I sat there conflicted. I didn’t want to follow them. Aside from the survival instincts and the fact that it would be difficult to reach the hotel, I also felt like I had done nothing wrong. Was I supposed to pretend as much as possible that I was enjoying every aspect of our budget vacation? Why must I pretend? Why am I trying to get affirmation of our lives from dad? A guy whom I literally had almost no connection with since the beginning of my life. A guy who stole from me when I was young and has not paid a single cent in child support. Why do I have to pretend to sell him an ideal image of a family in Canada? Is it just for mom? But even then, would this be good for mom and I? Was a thief in our family really a good idea?

In my indecision, I realized that the concert had started. Well, I can’t leave now can I? I stayed for the first piece though I didn’t really enjoy the performance at all. There was simply too much on my mind at the time. I kept thinking, should I take some responsibility? Afterall, dad did buy me some stuff this week. Was I being too spoiled about the time I am spending with dad? Some people never get to see their dad their entire lives. Should I compare my life to that and be grateful? How do I handle this? Also, what do I say when I catch up to them? I never had a dad and didn’t know how to handle it if he got angry. 

Thinking back, if I could go back in time and relive that moment, I would’ve caught up to my dad and punched him in the face. A brief scuffle between mom and I that didn’t even involve dad was enough to piss him off and cause him to walk out? Seriously? I can’t help but think that there was something else going on. Maybe he got tired of mom’s blatant attempt at trying to win him over? Or maybe. Just maybe, he was simply looking for an excuse to leave mom and me. I thought about this more, maybe that was dad’s thing. He’s abandoned us before so why any different now? Whenever things weren’t working out, he would just leave.

The concert came and went. I tried to listen in for things I normally do in classical concerts but it didn’t take. My mind simply wasn’t into it. During the first intermission, I stepped out. In my mind I was half expecting them to be angry at the door and half expecting no one to be there. Unfortunately, the worst case scenario prevailed. I was alone. I would later find out that the two of them had taken a taxi back to the hotel. I suppose the saving grace was that mom had handed me some money a while ago. Okay, time to see if there was more than one hotel with a moon logo or not. I needed to get back to the hotel. Everything was back there. What do I do now?

Basically working on autopilot, I walked back into the concert hall by myself. I sat there alone with two empty chairs beside me. I tried again to listen to the concert but I was still not in a good headspace to really appreciate anything. What the hell just happened? Did I really do something wrong? Was I at fault. At this point, I realized that the concert was doing nothing for me. I couldn’t enjoy sh*t while so caught up in my own mind. There was really only one thing to do. I kicked into survival mode. 

I sat through the rest of the concert only half listening. I was too shaken from the entire situation to really think about the cellist at all. I was plotting my trip back in my head. Eventually the concert ended. I got out quickly and hailed down a taxi. I wasn’t sure how much money was enough but I figured if I atleast get to the hotel, even if I didn’t have enough, I could call my mom or dad down and have them pay the difference. When the taxi arrived, I realized it was time for the conflict I knew was coming up. How do I tell the driver about the hotel? Welp, it was game time, I was now in a taxi. I knew how to speak mandarin at least. The driver looked at me and asked me where I was going and naturally, I told him there’s a hotel with a large moon in the logo. Then I prayed he knew which one I was talking about. He was confused. He looked at me with a strange stare and thought a bit. He then asked me which hotel it was by name. I couldn’t answer anything. Seeing my struggles, he mercifully  pulled out his phone and pulled up some photos. Phew. Now I have a chance. Scrolling through the photos, I eventually came up to the picture of the hotel I was staying at. Then, I found more luck in that the hotel chain only had one building nearby. Ok. Crisis over. Now I just have to face mom and dad.

The ride back was smooth but I was still not in a good mindset. This entire situation made me uneasy. I felt a bit guilty about the whole situation. How do I remedy this? When we arrived at the hotel, I checked my wallet and was happy to see that I did have enough money. Another fear kicked in while I was in the elevator going home o my room. I had thought that I would go back and find that all the things in the hotel room would be gone. What if mom and dad went the extra mile? What if they decided to simply check out together? I would be stranded there for real this time. This fear came as quickly as it left. I arrived at my Mom and Dad’s room to find that my mom was there, casually organizing her bag. She then tried to have a conversation like nothing happened. She said, “Oh good how did the concert go?”.

I said it was okay. Trying very hard to tell her about the mental minefield I had just crossed to make it back here. She then told me that things were still on track, our next destination would be my paternal grandparent’s home. Maternal grandmother would also be meeting us there tomorrow. We were going to have dinner to celebrate my 17th birthday, or a belated version of it at least. I said that’s okay. She said I should pack too since we were to leave early in the morning tomorrow. I said fine. Then dad came in to the room. He didn’t look at me at all. In all the awkwardness, I cracked a joke sarcastically.

“Well, looks like we experienced all forms of emotion from everybody this trip.”

That was lame. But I didn’t know what to say. My mom caught on to this sentence though. She kept talking on this train of thought. She kept talking in a general theme of “isn’t it wonderful we got to experience so much of each other on this trip?”. My dad played along. He seemed like he was over it all. I wanted to chime in and tell dad how cowardly it was of him to just leave me again. I was also angry at Mom for following him too. But I figured, you know what? Dad is definitely not coming to Canada with us after this. This much I knew for sure. So, since I may never see this guy again in my life. I might as well not completely burn the bridge. Towards the end of the night, our conversations returned to normal as I kept playing along. On the outside, you may even say we looked like a proper family now.

In truth, my dad did not talk with me much after that night. Just small talk here and there but nothing substantial was said at all. I occasionally actually felt bad for making him mad a bit though thinking back that was probably because I was still just a bit desperate for his attention and approval. It would be a very long time before I would overcome this and realize that his affirmation wasn’t something I needed or should’ve wanted. He was no role model. He hadn’t spent the time nor money to be worth my mental energy at all. He can’t give me what I need. The only person who can fill the void he left by missing all of my birthdays, holidays and whatever other first experiences was me. I was forced to be my own grown up. I had no choice. I had to be enough for me. He was not good for me nor was my need for his affection. 

This type of realization would become clearer as I got older though it would officially start off at the next thing on the agenda. Mercifully, this was also one of the last things for this vacation. From my perspective, I was very much looking forward to the end of the vacation. I was done with this charade. Just one more event now. Next up was my belated birthday where all my grandparents would attend as well as my parents.