Chapter 32

It didn’t seem too bad on the family front. My mom and dad were very understanding of the situation and did somewhat pull together to get me to and from the hospital. I was starting to think the decision to not be openly angry at dad was the right choice. After this ordeal I also felt a bit closer with him albeit just a small marginal amount. Speaking of trust, the next morning when we packed up all our stuff and checked out, I found out how we were able to afford staying a night at this 5 star hotel. 

At the checkout counter, my dad pulled out a bag chalked full of coupons. I had never seen so much in my life. There were just so many there. A coupon for this, a coupon for that. The coupons mapped out everything we were doing for the next few days as well as everything we’ve done so far. This made sense now. I knew dad did not have this kind of money after all. He said that his boss at work gave these coupons to him and he wanted to share them with us. I have no idea why mom and dad didn’t just tell me this from the beginning. I was completely okay with this. I guess we were all too focused on how awkward all of this was to really think about communicating all the things we were doing. Despite how all the things we did never aligned with pretty much any of our interests. 

There were a few things that didn’t have coupons associated with them. The main coupon-less thing we did? We went shopping for computers. While not made of money, dad did want to help me with my studies especially since he knew I’d gotten into University. A feat that was super easy for me considering I grew up Canadian but appealed to all Chinese families simply because I was studying in a North American University. Anyhow, we ended up shopping for things and eventually bought a laptop from Sony. It was as good as any I suppose and did help me a bit in university, though I did have to reprogram it to delete all the bloatware and change the settings to English. After that, it was back on the coupon train. 

Most of the places and events we went to weren’t really that exciting. We went to Chinese comicon as the most interesting event though the coupons only got us a general admission without access to any of the main exhibits. We also went to a music concert for the singer “A-Mei” called the “A-Mei-Zing” concert. In all honesty I had no idea who she was and even after the concert I wasn’t tempted to look her up or anything. All in all, I’d say the events were all over the place and didn’t feel like they connected with me at all. While I didn’t intend to come off as ungrateful, I simply had very little interest in the events. This kind of bothered mom, she, in some form or other, told me that I should show more interest in the events because dad was bringing me to them and the time spent with fathers was special. To that I say, what the f*ck? A guy who stole money from me as a kid is now taking me out on a cheap-ass coupon journey that has nothing I was interested in. Why should I be grateful for any of this? I think mom was trying to force a narrative of us being a family and traveling on vacation. Even without this insistence from my mom though, it was hard for me to fake enthusiasm when dad had clearly missed the mark. It’s understandable though, he was never there in my life, how could’ve he known any of my interests?

The only event I actually wanted to go to was a cello recital. There was a cellist and a pianist duo that was set to perform in a somewhat prestigious music hall near the end of coupon train. I knew this was going to be the only event that had any familiarity to me and was actually a little excited about it. It came at a good time too. For the entire trip so far, I had reacted to all the situations with pretty much only indifference and I think this was starting to take a toll on dad. Like I said, I think dad expected me to suddenly feel indebted to him and gracious to him for showing up and taking to all these events even though the events were just off a coupon list he got for cheap and were a random assortment of deals that nobody else wanted. Still, I think dad feeling my disappointment towards the event was bothering mom.

Speaking of which, my mom was really starting to irritate me. She was constantly pestering me to be more grateful for the events and show more appreciation but I really couldn’t do it. These places we went to were simply not that amusing. To be honest, despite the fact that my dad had been the absent one, my mom didn’t really understand me nor my interests either. In line for the cello recital, mom was pushing me to my limit. As we waited, mom kept telling me to tell dad about my musical achievements. She kept insisting and insisting and wouldn’t stop. I think she was trying to show off how accomplished I had been and more importantly, I think she was trying to take credit for my successes too. 

Now, if you followed my story up to now you remember that OVER HALF OF IT so far has been just focused on music. My journey in classical music was very closely related to my own upbringing. This speaks volumes towards my mom because she should’ve known that at this stage of my life, I had grown through classical music to make it my own thing. I even got away from asking mom for funds to have lessons and RCM tests. In fact, at this point in time, the practical, theory and history lessons for RCM that I would have to do in about a few weeks were completely funded by my lifeguarding money. Classical music was my own thing and I was growing out of the shadows of CC. I had been through the ringer with classical music and had evolved my relationship with it. It meant something to me. 

So I was a bit taken back when mom started to talk about the musical achievements such as my RCM level 9, my silver medal and how I was first desk at my public school’s music program. Not only did these events not reflect the true journey I went through, it was also just a bare bones glimpse at the full picture. Yet she acted like this was all there was to it. She paraded my achievements like she was trying to convince my dad that this hobby of mine was full of only ups and optimism. Either intentionally or unintentionally, she simplified my music career into a simple and uncomplicated story. You could say a lot about my journey in classical music but the one thing that I would say it wasn’t was simple. Yet mom wanted to force this narrative. I understood why too. If the musical journey was as simple as mom made it out to be, she could easily tell the story and make it seem like she knew what was going on the entire time. In truth, she only acted as the bank that funded my journey in the beginning. Nothing else. 

I knew she was trying to make herself seem like a good mom but as she kept simplifying and simplifying all my blood, sweat and tears to spew a narrative to my dad, I got progressively more irritated. Furthermore, she had left out something that really rubbed me the wrong way. She purposely never mentioned how in the very first lessons with CC, she was on CC’s side whenever he verbally abused me through yelling. I knew then that her desperate attempt to tell this story was all a part of her plan to win over my dad. But she talked for just slightly too long and went too far. I was finding the situation progressively more uncomfortable. The line for the concert seemed to go on forever. When we were finally allowed into the venue, I took a look at the clock and realized that mom had not stopped talking for about a half hour. As we entered the venue and sat down, she started again. This time, she kept trying to entice me to tell the story again but from my point of view. I really didn’t want to talk about classical music because unlike the stories she told, I had a very different take on everything. I kept refusing to tell my side of the story but my mom just didn’t know when to stop today. After pestering again and again, I had had enough. I spoke up. 

I told her that out of all the events we had been to, this was the only one that I really cared about and can she not ruin this for me by nagging to tell dad about my experience in classical music wherever and whenever. I told her that my experience in it was not the same stories she has been telling us and I told her she needs to stop nagging me about telling dad everything. I said if we really wanted to talk about classical music, we needed to discuss all the time I spent with CC and I am not about to go into all of that on vacation. In some form or other, I told mom to just let me enjoy the concert as it was the only thing I was looking forward to this entire vacation. I wasn’t really loud but I was very serious as I said this. Hearing the tone of my voice, mom stopped talking right away. Looking back, I found that the next series of events played out completely unexpectedly. 

I realized that my dad had just been suddenly given a glimpse into the toxic relationship I had with classical music and my mom’s involvement in it. He must have had questions. Who was CC? Why am I so apprehensive about classical music? Why was I so upset and didn’t want to share my numerous achievements in music? My classical music journey was very parallel with my own upbringing so he had essentially been given a glimpse into my true self. I figured that at this point he must be filled to the brim with questions. It was awkward but maybe, I thought, at least now we can actually share something deep and meaningful instead of the question-dodging we’ve been doing all week.

I turned to dad, expecting him to look back with curiosity or at least I hoped. But he didn’t. If he really cared about me, he would want to know more. However, when I looked at dad, he looked back with anger.

He questioned how I could say that this was the only event that I cared for? Then he questioned me about all those other events. He asked how I could be so indifferent to those?

What a response. 

I was taken back. In my mind, I was thinking

“What? That’s what you’re thinking about right now?”

Turns out. That actually was it. I don’t think dad really thought much about how my history was at all. All that was on his mind was how I was saying how the events we’ve done this entire week had not been interesting. After I stopped talking because dad questioned my week spent with him, it fell silent. Then, he looked at me and spoke.

“If you have had such a bad time with me all week, then maybe I’ll just leave.”

Right after saying this, he got up and left the venue. The recital hadn’t even begun yet. I was taken back.

Are you serious? This was the time you’d decided you’d had enough? Out of all the events I didn’t care about, you decide to walk out on the only one I like? I felt like he was being too much of a drama queen. 

As I watched him leave. In my mind I realized that while snapping back at mom, this was the first time I mentioned that I have not had a good time at the events we went to. I hadn’t enjoyed them but I also didn’t mention that as I was trying to be polite. So as it turns out, a small glimpse into the true nature of the relationship with mom and I was not what made him leave but it was a small but direct criticism to our week that was too much for him. 

Seriously?

Did he think I would fall into appreciation after all we went through this week? Lackluster events I had no interest in? Getting sick and needing to go to a hospital? 

You know what? F*ck it. Leave. I lived my life without a need for you before. Why should I care if it stayed that way? 

I’m staying here.

As I sat there cooling off from my thoughts on dad storming off, I realized that mom was gone too. 

She went with him. 

I remember this moment vividly. 

I sat there. In the music hall. Awaiting the recital to start. All by myself. This was the one event I wanted to see and now, I feel like I wouldn’t really even enjoy it that much. I felt conflicted. What do I do now? Do I stay for the concert? Do I leave and go apologize to mom and dad? How do I even get back to the hotel? All these questions flooded my mind. Eventually, one question drowned out the others. 

Have I just been abandoned again?