Chapter 34

So, one last event to go before this vacation finally would end. 

The event was simple. It was just a dinner with all the living grandparents. 

The venue was pretty ordinary. There was a restaurant in the city of my paternal grandparents and we were to gather there for some food. Maternal grandma would be joining us there too. When the dinner first started, everyone greeted me with open arms and celebrated the first of my dad’s bloodline to attend a university. They then kept going on and on about how proud they were of me and how happy they were about how I turned out. It all seemed so ordinary.

In my mind, I was thinking about how they could all act so normal knowing the history between my mom and dad. In hindsight, I think what really happened was, my paternal grandparents never never thought that I would have figured out the true history of mom and dad. Or, maybe dad didn’t really tell them much. He lived in New Zealand afterall and rarely visited home. Paternal grandparents probably knew about dad as much as I did, which is to say, not a lot at all. Regardless, the diner carried on. It was probably better this way. The alternative would be a large blame game with a lot of toxic histories unearthed. Not a great way to celebrate my university acceptance. 

We ate a lot of food and took a lot of pictures. By the end of the photo session I had gotten really good at faking a smile. In truth however, I was really just enjoying the food and not really the company. Mom and dad were on thin ice and it felt like there wasn’t really much left to say about that road. While mom may have had some desire to still convince dad to come to Canada with us, I think dad was clearly projecting that he needed to go back to New Zealand after our journey. Aside from them, it was just the grandparents. 

Even with my closest living grandparent, my maternal grandmother, I didn’t have that much of an attachment. Sure, I felt maternal grandmother was a tyrant in her own way and always angered mom but I never thought of her truly badly. On the other side of the table, my paternal grand never really played a huge role in my life. I suppose the schism from mom and dad was the main reason for all of that. They haven’t seen me since I was around 5 or 6 years old and they really didn’t have a good relationship with dad. Tracing things back, it’s hard to say what really happened with paternal grandparents and my dad’s side of the family. It just all kind of fell apart. I can’t recollect any good stories about the past with dad’s family at all. Dad got kicked out of the house when he was young and my uncle, dad’s brother, got involved with a lot of gangs and drugs.

Speaking of which, aside from chapter one of the blog where I specifically specified that my dad’s brother, all the other times I’ve mentioned my “uncle” had been with regards to my mom’s brother. For future reference, I will also be using uncle with the clear intention of indicating mom’s brother. The reason? My dad’s brother was dead. He had passed away by this time in our lives but the fact that he was so peripheral to my life meant that it had literally no impact on me at all. In fact, if you had asked me at this diner whether or not I had more than 1 uncle on my mom’s side, I would have told you no. I had completely forgotten about him. To be honest, that wasn’t a lot of knowledge to have forgotten either. I only knew of dad’s brother’s existence because when I was young, I had overheard brief stories involving my dad and his brother from eavesdropping on conversations between paternal grandparents. Other than that, I never met the guy nor heard stories about him directly from anyone. That isn’t to say that I missed out on much. Pretty much all the stories about dad’s brother had been negative ones. He did drugs and was a stain on our family name. This was probably the main reason that at the diner, nobody mentioned him at all. 

Don’t you worry though, I would eventually hear about a story involving dad’s brother. It’s an intense story too. Despite how little impact dad’s brother had on my life directly, it seems he was critical at a turning point some time in the past. I’ll save that story for later though. The delay in his role in my life is because it is important to note when I would learn about his side of the story. 

Back to the diner, time was flying by. There were only so many pictures you could take and so much food you could eat before it just felt repetitive and boring. This happened extra quickly because there were also so many taboo subjects no one was bringing up and in trying to avoid the subjects, everyone was on eggshells about entire subjects of conversation. These situations usually involved history between mom and dad. By my accounts, here were five main topics both families were trying to avoid so as to not cause a scene.

1. Mom and dad’s marriage
2. Dad’s child support money
3. Dad’s current life in New Zealand
4. Reasons why dad moved to New Zealand
5. My uncle (dad’s brother) in a general sense

This really sucked because I for one, really wanted answers to these questions. However, seeing as how the vacation already had some conflicts already. I was in no rush to go forward and try to probe the family tree for the truth. 

Near the end of the dinner, my paternal grandparents had pulled me aside and handed me an envelope. They did this secretly very discreetly too. The minute I held the envelope, I knew why. It had money in it. It was a decent amount as well. 

I held the envelope and felt a bit awkward. They told me that getting into university was something my dad’s side of the family never could do, so they wanted to help me succeed as much as possible with this next stage of life. Doing a rough estimate, the envelope had 6 stashes of cash in $100 RMB bills (China’s currency). It’s hard to estimate this but assuming each stack was around $10,000 RMB, it likely would have been around $10,000 CAD. 

I felt a bit taken back. This would really be helpful for me. I had planned on using all my lifeguarding money towards my first year’s tuition but this extra bit of cash would mean I would have some left over to spend in university. I suddenly felt happy about our entire vacation. I quickly put it in a bag I had carried around and then continued my dinner without much more discussion on the topic. I had come to this expecting nothing and here I was, with a huge wad of cash that can easily spell a much easier first year in university. For a second, I felt a bit more grateful to my dad’s side of the family. They had been pretty much absent my entire life but maybe I had more support than I originally thought. 

Does this make up for dad’s actions of stealing from me in the past? No. But it was a good start. 

If only I got to keep it.

The dinner was done and more importantly, it was time to go our separate ways. This was goodbye for dad. I helped my maternal grandma into a taxi that we called and then went back to mom. She was still chatting with dad at this point. She saw me being happy and wondered what was going on. Unfortunately, the bag I had with me gave it away. That was my fault, the bag was a string bag and while not transparent, it did reveal the basic contour of everything inside it. My dad stepped away for a second to help my paternal grandma and grandpa into their respective taxi and my mom turned to me. She asked me what my paternal grandma and grandpa gave me. I told her the truth. 

I showed her the envelope. She gave me an odd look. Then she told me I couldn’t accept this. She had a good reason though I think there may have been a more subtle bad reason too. She told me the first reason was that paternal grandma and grandpa did not have money. She didn’t know where this money came from but she knew they needed it. Based on the tone of her voice I didn’t think she was lying. However, I was hesitant. They had given me the money. Is this not their will and their decision despite their situation? I objected to this at first but then mom pushed further. 

Mom told me that dad had paid for everything this entire trip. Apart from couponed events, dad had also paid for the flight rescheduling, which I only now learned wasn’t cheap, the hospital fees for when I got sick on top of the laptop he got for me during that one shopping trip. When I asked about what relevance dad paying for so many things had with paternal grandparents, mom told me that dad didn’t have a Chinese credit card. That’s right, he had been using my paternal grandparent’s card this entire time. This statement I felt. Her insistence was based on the fact that dad hadn’t really spent money on me at all so far, it was my paternal grandparents. To take even more money from then would be too much.

At that point, I understood the sentiment. After feeling a bit dejected again, I handed the envelope to dad and told him to give it to my paternal grandparents. I told him and mom and I can’t accept this. Thinking back I probably should have handed the money directly to my paternal grandparents instead of trusting him but the entire night had caused me to loosen my grip on anxiety towards money. When I handed the envelope back to dad, I really hoped that he would give it back to me and tell me to spend it on my university fees. I hoped that he would tell me how this was the will of my paternal grandparents and that they really did want to help me out. But he didn’t say anything. He just took it. 

A few words of courtesy followed afterwards between mom, dad and I. I faked my last smile around him and dad and I went our separate ways. This vacation was pretty much over at this point. My taxi ride was pretty silent. Mom, maternal grandma and I didn’t have much to say. During this ride to our hotel, I was just pondering how much money my dad got from me in total. Keep in mind, dad also never paid for child support either. From childhood until now, it must have been a lot. So if it’s a lot, why did mom want to give some money back to dad’s side of the family? 

Well, if you’ve been paying attention closely, you may recall that mom’s value system had me lower than her friends and her ego. Money going back to dad really belonged to the whole ego thing. I think mom wanted to be seen as a good partner to dad, even if they were separated and he had stolen from us before. I think she wanted to be seen as someone of high character and without a vengeance in her demeanor. I also think she wanted to be seen as this type of person even if it meant her son would be getting support because of her decision. In my mind, once again, aiding me had been passed on for her making herself look good. 

It was on the flight back when I recalled the last interaction I had with dad. Approximately $10,000 CAD was in our hands at that point. What if dad didn’t give this back to my paternal grandparents? They weren’t on good terms. That’s a lot of money also. That amount would have been enough to pay for pretty much all of the expenses of our entire vacation for my mom, my dad and also myself. That’s even accounting for flights too! I realized I shouldn’t think like this. It was of no help to anyone. Though it was tough to think about what went on in my dad’s head. I knew my mom prioritized a lot of things over me but what did dad prioritize? Did he see me as a means of stealing money from mom? What was I to him? Does he not want me or did he leave because my mom was just too much? If it was because mom was too much, why did he leave me in her care? I knew his answer to all these questions but it was enough for me. I did ask him why he left sometime in the future but even then, the answer wasn’t really something believable. 

When we came back to Canada, communication between dad and me basically died off. I think the entire vacation had left mom, dad and I in need of a break from each other. It was then suddenly very fortunate that I had my hands full. The minute we got back, I got back into RCM examination mode and started working towards my grade 10.

When it was done and I got my official certification as a grade 10 RCM cellist, I had to move on to preparing for university. Being through the RCM ringer a few times by now, it wasn’t terribly exciting by now. What followed was the unpredictability of the future in university. 

The tight timeline to prepare for university had kept me from overthinking too much about the issues I just went through. While it may have been great to have had a vacation where I got all the answers and closure to my past from dad, I suppose this would be all I’d be getting.