Chapter 77

Excerpt from “misc rants”

I remember when I got that dark and warm feeling in my abdomen the day my mom told me she was going to Canada ahead of me. I wasn’t sure what that was back then but I got it recently again and I’m pretty sure I now know what it is. It’s a slow burning type of anger towards the void. At least, this is the best way I can describe it. More specifically, I think it’s a frustration towards a missing part of my childhood. I guess a better way to say it is to describe it as anger towards my guardians. 

It’s like those times when I would do a cello recital and look into the audience to realize that no one was there to see me play. I thought it was just what it is and whatever, it didn’t really matter to me but my body would give me the warm dark feeling. I think sometimes, not having a dependable guardian gave me a physical response. Like my body was telling me I needed something but my mind was denying it an answer. Maybe my subconscious thought that it’s better to just not think about needing a guardian and maybe, the body will forget too. 

That’s in the past though. 

I’m in my mid twenties now. I simply don’t have the time to deal with all that bullsh*t anymore. I need to graduate and then leave the nest. Mom is beyond help. This lover’s quarrel with dad has gone on far too long. 

Should I be sympathetic to mom’s problems? I mean she’s not really all in the clear here. She took a gamble and used a baby as a means to keep an dishonest man honest. What did she think would happen? Furthermore, her ego is just too much to handle. 

[…gibberish…]

Does she deserve sympathy? I mean, she did raise me. Say what you will about her but at least she stuck around. Sure, she never took my side when CC was around and even towards the end of our time with CC but still, she had been present at least. But seriously? Running back into dad after all the sh*t he’s pulled. Are you kidding me? 

I do think I owe her for my life simply because she gave birth to me but am I just doomed to watch her run into a closed door again and again? 

I’m not sure what kind of help I can offer her other than to tell her that the worst thing to do for our family of two is to add dad back in here. He really doesn’t belong here. 

Who am I kidding, like mom will listen to that… It’s also just not a thing we do. I mean, we don’t take each other’s advice on handling people. How would a discussion about dad even go? 

I would say it’s a bad idea and then mom would disagree. Then, no matter how much logic I tell her she’ll end up doing whatever the hell she wants to anyways. We’ll probably also fight the entire time when “debating”. Why force ourselves to go through that when it was only going to make each of us worse off and convince her of absolutely nothing? 

I swear…Some days, I don’t think my mom respects my opinion on anything. She pretty much treats me like an extension of her own will. She uses me as a bargaining chip with dad, it’s like she thinks I’m her property. 

Remember that time she volunteered me for a chinese music festival without consulting me? And then remember how angry she got when I rejected it because I was busy? How does she not once ever consider the fact that maybe she doesn’t know what is best for me. 

I wonder if she knows that when it comes to my individuality, she is not all knowing nor all powerful. 

[…gibberish…]

As for dad.

Well. I have nothing to say to him.

He was a bastard before, and he is a bastard now. He doesn’t deserve any mental energy from me.

[…gibberish…]

I mean there’s probably one or two sentences I can say to him if I got the chance. 

You’know. Since now it’s all out in the open?

I’d probably just ask him why he chose them over me. Why? Was there something wrong with me? Did my mom chase him away? Did he like the other girl more than mom that much? Who was she anyway? She was clearly pregnant when you moved away so you must have been cheating with her when you were in the legal proceedings with mom. What’s your excuse for that? 

Also, why’d ya steal from me? Was I such a horrible burden to carry that you had to abandon my mom and I both together [and] also take a huge chunk out of my trust fund with you? One [more thing, what] kind of bullsh*t is “if I stay, he’d grow up a blue collar like me?”. That is the weakest excuse for leaving me you’ve ever said. Now that I know more, it’s even weaker. You had two more kids. I have half siblings. You didn’t want to avoid being a bad influence as a father figure did you? You just didn’t want to be my dad. 

What was wrong with me? Why do I even care about what you are to me? I don’t need you. I got on by myself in Canada and got on my own two feet. You think mom helped me learn English from the ground up? Yeah, right? Her English is barely better than yours. Her patience for me? Non-existent! I got yelled at in the very beginning for being bad at school because I came to a country where I didn’t speak the language. You think that’s fair? I certainly don’t. But even then, I dealt with it. I dealt with mom and her flaws [because she’s] family. So why couldn’t you? I tolerated mom as a toddler and you can’t deal with her as an adult? Are you that pathetic and weak willed? 

Seriously. What is your problem? Why’d you help me buy the car? Was it for your conscience? Are you now guilty [about all the] money you stole from me? You think that makes it all better?

I don’t need this. This is just a waste of my time. All of the bullsh*t you and mom are going through is a waste of time. You’re both curses to me. She’s bad but you’re worse. I don’t need either of you. When I start making money, I’ll pay mom all the money I owe her and then I’m going to move out.  I need to leave the nest. 

If you’re worried about the familial connection, don’t worry, I’ll manage without. 

[…gibberish…]

End of excerpt.

I never sent this. In fact, I never showed this to anyone. I even thought about omitting this section more than I did about that section talking about failure. That’s because sometimes you show as much vulnerability when you talk angry as when you do about your shortcomings in life. In anger, you show your true colors and your true emotions. Sometimes they’re illogical and at other times visceral raw. In both cases, it’s hard to control. Angery, in itself, is an emotion that can cause someone to act illogically and sometimes, against their own values. When used properly, it’s a source of energy. When uncontrolled? It’s dangerous. 

Oh, and one more thing about this excerpt. It actually didn’t stop there. There was actually an entire paragraph after that where I talked to dad about CC. Unfortunately, I don’t think I was typing too efficiently when I got there though. Most of the sentences were just indecipherable gibberish. Well…that or just a lot of swear words. Neither gives us any clue as to where I was going with that. 

Regardless, after this entire fiasco, I was unsure how I really felt. I mean, on the one hand, nothing’s really changed. I was still in school and the term was just beginning… 

On the other hand, I just found out a fact about my dad’s life that pissed me off. The first fact about his life that ever pissed me off in fact. This was news to me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. The void that was created from not having a father had never been so visceral. It was then that I decided to take action to alleviate this feeling. The feeling of missing something. 

Either consciously or subconsciously, I knew what I needed to fill the void. I’ve felt this before. I mean, I pretty much grew up with it. Unfortunately, my way of dealing with the issue isn’t without flaws. But having spent so much of my life dealing with this issue in this manner, I was now powerless to deny this habit.