Chapter 82

Some would call this multi-tasking but you know what I call it? Running on fumes. My mental capacity in the present had been reduced because it was always shared with planning for the future. The hobbies started to become less fun because I couldn’t really pull myself out of thinking about what to do next. 

The biggest issue from all of this? Trying to study. This was not news. Something similar happened last year around this time too and we all know how that turned out. When studying time was inefficient, it was a short step away spiraling out of control again. So…This would have been a really good time to quit some commitments. 

But would I? Or. Better question. How can I? 

As the end of term concerts/performances were coming up, I couldn’t leave. Remember how I mentioned previously that you can’t abandon your team, or club when there is a performance coming up in the near future? Yeah. That point in time came and went. 

I wish I could tell you that I heeded the flashing signs and large warnings that told me to pull away from as many things as possible and focus on your studies but in truth, those warning signs have been going off the entire term and it was just white noise to me now. This wasn’t an early detection issue either, it was an operator issue.

In my mind, I was in a state of denial and ignorance. I kept thinking that at some point, I could make up for all the studying time I needed. Hell, I even remember some of the rationalizations I made to justify staying in all the commitments I made:

For breaking (for which I was teaching), I told myself that it was only an hour a week and that my breakdancing classes ended a few weeks prior to all the end of term stuff. This meant that not only would it not affect my other hobbies, it would be well gone by the time final exams rolled around. 

For skit night, I said something similar. Skit night was before final exams and the first performance on the schedule. The fact that it was so far from exams gave the impression that it was harmless. 

For UW Orchestra and Waterboys, these were the problems that mattered the most. Both of these concerts for that term were close together and sort of near exam time. But I rationalized each of these commitments in their own way.

For the UW Orchestra, I told myself that it was just 3 time commitments. 2 dress rehearsals and one final end of term concert. That’s not a lot of time needed.

For the Waterboys…Well… There was a rationale for it but it was quite an illogical one. Actually, not only was it illogical, it proved to be quite an enabler of sorts… Let me explain…

The Water Boys had performed at ICCAs which actually happened before I went off to Mexico. Why did I not talk much about this? Well, between all the assignments and the need to plan for Mexico, ICCAs felt like a footnote. The other reason why it wasn’t all that noteworthy? We placed third. Why was this bad? Well…Previously, the Waterboys had placed mostly at the top and had gone on to go further into the competition brackets. Hell, in the past they habitually made it to the international stage in the states at least. But this year? It didn’t go well. The requirement to go international? You had to be second or first. Placing third meant we wouldn’t get this opportunity. 

It was a let down for a lot of the Waterboys and honestly, the disappointment was palpable. For me though? Sure. I was disappointed. But I was also a bit relieved that now our ICCAs rehearsal schedule would end and we would go back to normal rehearsals. This meant that my weekly time commitments to acapella would decrease by about a third. 

Now. The problem with this is…I started to fixate on this fact. In my mind, I was thinking “I now have less rehearsals with the Waterboys for the rest of the term and a bit more free time on my hands. That means I have all the time in the world!” 

In later years I would learn that alcoholics who were trying to quit would often have relapses where they fall under old patterns and in truth, I felt this was a relapsing moment for me. It wasn’t even too far off from the last one either. The beginning of the term had a trigger for me in the form of some negativity from my mom and dad, which led me to actively pursue my hobbies and now, when things were starting to get stressful again, I wanted another hit. To that end…

I, FACEPALM, SIGNED UP FOR MORE SH*T TO DO. 

**Editor’s note: I know it’s a little unfair to compare my hobbies to an addiction similar to alcoholics but I was just hyperbolizing. In truth, my hobbies were nothing like alcohol. Case in point here is that when things got tough, I couldn’t even find the energy to touch on any hobbies of mine. You’ll hear more about this theme a few times in the future.**

For the end of the term concert/performance in acapella’s auditioned groups, it was kind of three concerts. Two of these concerts were with the Waterloo Acapella Club, which was a performance that included every single acapella group on campus. This performance happened twice because of various reasons. I think the main two were that one, our concert hall wasn’t very big and therefore it made sense to split the audience into two, and two, some participants’ parents really wanted to come and watch and having two options for when they could come up just worked in that favor. 

The last performance for the auditioned groups was usually a performance featuring one acapella group with performances from individual members of the group to fill in the run time. I called this the Waterboys Club Showcase though most people knew it as the Waterboys EOT (End of term). It was there where I would decide to add in more commitments to my already crammed schedule under the guise that no more ICCAs rehearsals meant I had more time. I volunteered myself to do a performance. Just one song with me on my guitar. That’s all. Sounds harmless right? Well…No…That one extra performance turned into two…

I figured that since I was already rehearsing for one solo act, why not do this same solo act at the Waterloo Optometry Coffeehouse? I mean, it was the same thing. The coffeehouse was just a solo performance for a song. Sooooo I could just use the repertoire I was going to use at the Waterboys EOT. No need to rehearse for anything extra…right? 

Right?

This was when the weight of all my commitments hit critical mass. 

As you may expect. The coffeehouses, being the last nails in the coffin, sealed my fate. After I made those commitments, it would be a slow descent into chaos. Things were about to get out of hand. I mentioned everything so far with just my rationales though this could get confusing. Sooooo, why don’t we just talk about a timeline…

The first commitment on the road was the Optometry coffee house. 

Excerpt taken from “misc rants: coffeehouse summary”

“Okay…That wasn’t so bad. I did the two short 2 songs in the repertoire I am planning for the Waterboys end of term concert. It felt fine. I rushed a lot but overall, it’s done now. The entire thing needed more time than I thought but it was only a couple of hours. Consider this when rehearsing for the solo act in the Waterboys EOT ”

Next up. Skit Night.

Excerpt taken from “misc rants: skit night summary”

“Holy crap this was a lot of work. Coordinating and editing. Recording and rerecording. Making sure the medley actually worked and wasn’t too cringey (still it kinda was). Finding ways to incorporate choreography on some level. Finding substitute performers because not everyone who was recording for the parts wanted to be on stage. Trying to find a way to see how the audio system would work on the actual day (to no avail). All of this just for a cringey skit to be performed to our professors who had questionable respect across the school. Am I even having fun? Why did I choose this again? I guess it was nice to do music with my optometry friends but I’m not sure if I want to do this next year anymore. That was too much work. Also…Sh*t. I am now behind on everything.” 

Fortunately, after skit night, the next commitment to be crossed off the list was the UW Breakers. During the term, I did lessons once every week. After skit night, these lessons went on for just a week before we closed in on exam time and they concluded. This opened up just a little bit more time during the week. While helpful, it wasn’t nearly enough to help me catch up with the amount of studying I needed to do. I was running more and more behind. But no relief would come. 

Next up was the UW Orchestra and the Waterboys’ end of term concerts. As I mentioned, I was in desperate need to catch up and…This was pretty much the exact opposite of that. Three performances and various last minute rehearsals happened here. While the concerts were fun all in all. I wasn’t really in the game. My mind was always elsewhere thinking about what modules to cram for after the curtains close. 

This honestly just soured my last performances with the Waterloo clubs. It didn’t feel great. I mean, this was my last performance with the clubs. I kind of hoped they would feel more special. But it always just seemed like I was running from one event to another. After all the performances and festivities, I would rush immediately home. No time to rest. Then, when I got home, I would feel even worse. 

The amount of work I needed to catch up felt mountainous. Naturally, this is when my eyes were opened to how far behind I was in everything. Classes felt surreal. I had no idea what topics were discussed and what was and wasn’t on the tests. I was losing sleep simply trying to figure out where in the curriculum we were. Slowly, I was burning out again. 

Excerpt taken from “misc rants: one left (1 week before the exams)”

“I had a moment of clarity today. It’s not looking good. It’s about a week and a half before my first final and I feel like I need to relearn all my courses from the ground up. I may manage with the first few exams but I don’t think I’ll have the mental capacity to do much more. This wasn’t necessarily impossible but… I’m not so sure anymore. Also, my head is too crammed. I feel like I can’t concentrate. Coffee isn’t working anymore. Whatever information I did end up cramming into my head wasn’t sticking…But I still have the Waterboys EOT…

…

…

Can I even make it? I’ve got to make it. This is my last term in school. I can’t trip up at the finish line now. I don’t care how many all nighters I have to pull.”

End of Excerpt

I studied as much as I could and barely prepared for the Waterboys Showcase performance. But it was still inefficient studying. The entire time studying was mostly spent thinking about how overwhelmed I was about everything. 

Mental capacity was low and so was my retention of all topics. Then, worse still, my motivation was drying up completely. It was all downhill from here.