Chapter 84

Excerpt taken from “final exam diary”

I am feeling a bit of guilt but it’s not a not a strong emotion. I guess at this point in my life I have become a long-time companion of my guilt. It’s there. It’s justified. But worrying about it will do absolutely nothing. Or maybe I am depressed and no longer have expectations for myself. Who knows? 

If there is one thing I don’t like feeling. It is helplessness. I don’t think this is one of those Asian things either. I think generally, nobody likes losing their internal locus of control. I hated not being in control. For me, a lack of a firm grip on everything feels like a light push away from becoming an absolute wreck. Maybe this is one of those single mom household things. Mom was never one for keeping things stable and that made the world feel like it was constantly falling. Having your world feel like it was always chaotic seems like as good a reason as any to crave control. 

Have I always been like this? My mind’s been wandering off constantly to the story of when I was 10 years old and thought about how much of a financial burden I was. I actually calculated how much money it costs for me to live under my mom’s roof… It wasn’t really hard. In the first few years of living in Canada, we rented some of the rooms in our Condo to some tenants in order to make ends meet. To calculate my housing costs, I just estimated the money they paid and applied that to myself. Then, I added that and summed up my expenses for food to very roughly approximate how much money it takes for me to be fed. After that, I wondered what kind of job I would need to support these numbers. I wanted financial independence from my mom even then. Depending on others doesn’t really support the narrative of an internal locus of control in my mind. 

Looking back at my past self, I think it is unfair. It is the parent’s decision to invest in children. If they weren’t ready for the costs, it’s on them. My mom never knew that I had done this but I’m sure she did the math also at some point. 

Regardless, control or not. I am now no longer in control. I’ve been laying on the floor now for a good hour and all I’m trying to do is sum up the mental capacity to keep cramming but my motivation is so dry. Every 30 minutes or so on the screen, I would turn away from my lectures and look at something else. I’ve been losing focus. 

How many all nighters has it been now? I’m not sure anymore. There are only two exams left but I really can’t force myself to do anymore. I am at wit’s end. Even as I write this, I am feeling guilty that I’m not studying. Why am I in this position? The contents of the exams aren’t even that hard. 

Second year was much worse, but yet here I am, a year older and screwing up the same mistakes as last year but only on a much worse scale. 

What is wrong with me? 

I’ll probably need a few more all-nighters to pull off the material cramming I need to do for my last two exams but I am seeing a trend of information retention getting worse. I am studying more for less now and it won’t be long before I will be studying for nothing.

If I had to guess, I would say that at present I am retaining probably around 50% of everything I am reading. I think I’m simply too exhausted. Why did I sign up for so many things at the beginning of the term? What did that even accomplish? Those were hobbies, this is my career I’m working on here. I should have been more responsible. 

I really can’t withstand another failure like last year. I’m not sure I will be able to get over it. Anyhow, enough journaling, I think I’ll take a nap then get up and try to force myself to cram some more. 

I’m at the finish line, I really don’t want to slip up here…

ENTRY OVER