Chapter 85

It’s a strange thing, forgetting. The act of not knowing something anymore. No, I’m not referring to remembering things for my final exam. I am talking about the period after that. As I am writing years later on the events that would unfold after my last journal entry, I find myself thinking back and not recalling some of the things that happened. I think it’s because it was too painful and my brain simply chose to delete the memories of it. Pretty sure that’s called repression. Though, it’s hard to say. 

After that last journal entry, I would actually not journal at all for a while. Therefore, it’s hard to really recall exactly how it played out. When I did finally pick up the pen (or the keyboard rather) to write again, I wrote about that period of time…although, it wasn’t directly about what I did. It was more about my mental state and inner turmoil. 

It doesn’t take a genius to get what I’m saying here story-wise. The thing that happened in second year? The thing that made me doubt my being? Yeah, that. It happened again. You’d think that I would’ve learned my lesson but nope, that didn’t happen. You’d also think that I’d handle it better the second time around but, wrong again. I didn’t. If anything, I handled it worse. Turns out things that don’t kill you don’t always make you stronger…right away at least…

Now, I do realize that I have built this huge thing up from the ground in the last few chapters all just for a story that some would consider very … vanilla? I mean, on paper, it does seem kinda boring no? I signed up for too many clubs and councils in my last term of being a student and then failed. I recall when I told some of my close friends about this for the first time. They were responded mostly with something along the lines of:

“Okay? What’s the catch? Don’t you just write a supplementary test and move on with your life? What’s the issue here?”

And they’re not wrong. I mentioned previously that the worst thing that could happen in Canadian optometry school is you’d repeat a year and I wasn’t even at that stage. Furthermore, I did really want to do as many clubs as possible in my last erm as a student and some would even say that in the end, I got away with it. I got to make some last “fleeting-moments” special experiences in university before I was to go transform from a student to an intern in fourth year optometry. However, in my mind. I had come to realize that I had an issue. I lost control. Moreso, I had lost all faith in my own judgment. 

When I first found out about my shortcomings, I broke down mentally…probably a bit physically too (not gonna lie). I felt inadequate towards the end of exam season and this just realized all of that. Then, it started to dawn on me how I had censored my memories. Luckily, unlike repression, this was lighter. The memories were still there, just focused on different things. 

By this I am referring, of course, to the countless amount of warning signs during the year that kept popping up telling me I simply don’t have enough time to do all of that. I knew this, why didn’t I work against it? I let this happen and am alone, solely responsible for all that came to be. Do I deserve to be an Optometrist? Do I deserve to be a trusted professional when my own self control can be so chaotic? This was all so avoidable. Why didn’t I stop at some point and just reflect on how behind I was on everything? What was wrong with me? Was it just fatigue? Did I just have a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood and neglect from parents? What’s really going on?

I was unsure and I was lost. There was something inside me that was broken but I wasn’t sure what it was. Remember how I said that my hobbies weren’t really like an addiction for me but rather a means to substitute for something missing inside me? Yeah. I specifically want to make that distinction because for me, when I got to this stage of mental breakdown, I couldn’t touch any of the hobbies I had. It wasn’t just that I stopped writing. When I caught wind of how I had repeated a mistake I’ve made in the past, I stopped everything. The smart thing would’ve been to start studying for the supplementary but I didn’t even do that. I felt lost.

Turns out I don’t know that much about myself. I started to doubt everything from there. How could I let something spiral so out of control in my last term as a student? Why didn’t I stop? What’s my true feelings towards my mom and dad? Did I even want to become an eye doctor? Do I deserve to? Am I capable enough to be one? 

There were some times during this period of time when I wondered what I wanted to do. I was so unsure about everything. My career, my profession, my own feelings towards my family and what my purpose in life was. In the end, I don’t think I came up with an answer. 

I do know, however, that being in that state of uncertainty wasn’t going to do me any good. I needed to work some of this stuff through. It started to become a real issue. Before all the supplementary stuff, I needed some answers. I couldn’t continue on with my career nor my life until I figured at least a bit of what was really wrong with me. Since I didn’t know how to get there, I figured that it was time to get some help. 

With that in mind, I decided to find a psychologist.