Chapter 99

On the second day on the island, I woke to some news. Remember how I mentioned that the entire trip to PolyU amidst the protests was surreal but ultimately very uneventful and not at all dangerous? Well, as it turns out. The danger was more real than I initially anticipated. Just to clear things up, I had arrived in Phu Quoc the same day I went to PolyU mid-stakeout, which was November 16th, 2019. The date now was November 17th 2019 and my newsfeed was chalk full of articles about the current situation going on at PolyU. Something was going down. A conflict was breaking out and the police were back on campus with much more force this time. It was kind of strange to think about. I mean, I was there less than 24 hours ago and now the same streets I had simply walked by was a war zone. 

I also awoke to some emails from family and some from my Waterloo coordinators who just wanted to make sure that I had gotten out of Hong Kong before all the current madness was going down. I told them I had done as I emailed them before, which is to say that I left HK on the 16th. After that email, I laid on my bed thinking about what to do for the entire day. I mean, the island was just beaches and 1 theme park. That was pretty much it. So as far as planning goes, I simply had to decide which beachside I wanted to visit. In the end, I set my eyes on a resort called the Mango Bay Resort. 

I chose the Mango Bay Resort because it was at the Northern edge of the beaches on the luxurious side of the street. That is to say, it was on the side of the island that had the resorts and omnipresent beach maintenance crews. The walk would be along a shore that was clean and well maintained. Sure enough, when I did do the walk, it was as wonderful as you’d think. The sand was clean and the saltwater was clear. If you look at the water a few meters in, you can even spot jellyfish and starfish. Looking outwards, you are met with the ocean glimmering with beautiful sun rays. Beyond that, it was unclear where the waters ended and the sky began. The entire walk was around 3 hours and under such wonderful backdrops, I started to think about my current situation. 

A part of me was still under the thinking that I had to be always working towards something. This vacation can’t just be a chill time, I don’t know the meaning of that, I had to be using this time to learn something new about myself or something. I kept thinking “I don’t know what I’m doing here but just don’t do nothing”. It’s kind of a strange situation I found myself in mentally. I craved insight. Insight that was expected while I was isolated. Where no one around me spoke the language and the entire island was novel. I didn’t even have the internet when I wasn’t in the hotel. The calmness of the ocean and the stark contrast from the madness of yesterday settled in and allowed me to make some vivid realizations about my life. Being so vivid and in a relaxing place. I figured that I must use this time to my advantage and work out some of my inner demons. 

How do you fight your inner demons? Good question, I decided that identifying my issues was half the battle and that by actively paying attention to how you feel and how you are handling your life, that would be a good use of my down time. Thinking back, this felt more like work than anything. Regardless, while on that beach, I started with recent events. Thinking about how HK is currently on route to doing a full siege on the PolyU campus, am I glad that I got out when I did? Am I glad that I retrieved all my equipment in time? Am I thankful for being unharmed? 

Remember how I mentioned in Mexico and Moldova that I felt thankful for the experience? Well, I was thankful. Yet between all of that and seeing how the quality of life was in other parts of the world, I still had a mental breakdown at something as trivial as failing in academia. Well, now, something similar. Despite the visually worse conditions I saw at PolyU and having seen, firsthand, the effects of an international level of protesting in Hong Kong, I still wasn’t cherishing all that I had. My mind was still on how do I get back to the clinic and how do I use my current down time on a beach to have some direction? What’s wrong with me? 

Upon this thought, I gathered that there were 2 things on my mind. The first was, why wasn’t I thankful for what I had despite having the perspective and first hand experience of a world that was much worse than mine? The second was why can’t I relax? 

In the general norms of today, it seems everyone has their own narrative going on where they are the protagonist of their own story. That’s fine. For most, if you treat your own will as responsibility, it blesses you with a strong internal locus of control. This, in the long run, is much better for your goals and desires. As good as that is though, whenever things go out of control, or whenever you lose it, it gets scary. Not everyone has the mental adaptability to handle stress. As for myself, I now knew my extent. Or at least got a hint of it. I can’t handle failure very well on my own end. While I was mostly over the trauma of failing, the fact that it had an association with losing control meant that now I was desperately afraid of any chaotic happenings outside of the plan. In other words, I had just gotten my life back on track. I really didn’t want Hong Kong to derail all of this. So hence, I was on edge and afraid that this incident, which I know was outside of my control, was derailing me again. 

I thought this was likely why I couldn’t be thankful for anything and why I can’t relax. I was afraid of losing control again. By my own fault or not. Perspective is nice to have, yes, but it only takes you so far. Some would call this privilege. 

I figured thinking of all this stuff was pretty good so far but maybe there’s another level to all of this. How far does this lack of gratitude go? I don’t really show thanks for the things I have but do I at least thank others? What about whenever I receive thanks? How am I with gratitude going either way? Do I respond well when receiving it? What about giving it out? 

I think a part of me, which for one reason or another, stopped thinking about gratitude as a truthful thing. I don’t know how to respond to it because I think it’s always just meaningless. The thought process is something along these lines:

“You’re thanking me for doing a job well done but in truth, the job I did wasn’t that great.”

I think if you break it down a bit more. It’s just got a bit of self-loathing and low confidence. Years of verbal abuse from CC and my mom’s never ending disappointment speeches likely were the case. This I say because even now, whenever my mom compliments me, I still don’t believe it at all. The verbal let down statements were ingrained in me and now, whenever my brain hears the opposite, it doesn’t even register. 

I think this is one of the worst side effects of the tiger parent recipe. What happens when your kids stop responding to positive comments because you’ve given so little? What happens when they’re disillusioned? For me, I stopped respecting my mom’s decisions in general. If I was always going to be put down by her comments, I’ll just stop listening. It’s impossible to always do poorly. So if you only respond by saying I did poorly, then you’re a broken record and are acting on habit rather than intention. Or in other words, your input is meaningless. How I handled it with mom at some point was that, as I did with CC, I’ll take what I can from your comments and then ignore everything else you had to say. Your subjective commentary and personal insight is of no worth to me. 

On some level, this is a kind of disownership. You hear stories of parents disowning their kids for not being enough in school but what about when kids disown the parents for being useless? If tiger parents aren’t actually helping and are just pushing, they’re not really necessary are they? If the parents are pushing their kids because they don’t know how to parent any other way, it’s not a method of bringing out the best. It’s just being lazy. It’s easy to not learn more parenting techniques but why do parents get to take the easy road when their kids don’t? 

Worst of all. There will be a day when parents need more help from their kids than the kids need from their parents. What happens when the relationship has a bridge that is burnt then? If the asian kids disowned the parents and the parents now need help, do they go help them? Or will the kids simply disregard them? In Asian cultures, there’s a strong emphasis on family, but what why? Why help your family if they were your oppressors? 

Okay okay. I know. I know. We’ve reached a point where this seems to be just ranting again about the whole “tiger cub” thing. I’ll stop here because if you do want to read that. I’d just say check out Chapter 25 – 28. Back to the super relaxing and not-at-all-toxic walk on the beach. 

As I approached the Mango Bay Resort, it rained. It was a light drizzle but with a strong humidity that was easily felt. I figured I would wait it out a bit at the resort noodle bar. Near the Mango Bay Resort was a very nice restaurant with a roof and a view of the water. They also served a really good Pad Thai for about just $9 CAD. As I enjoyed my food with a view of the water, I sat back and thought about why I was thinking so much. Sure, there was some insight during that 3 hour walk up to here but now I was mentally exhausted from just internal monologuing. That can’t be a good thing on a de facto vacation. 

When I finished my food, I decided to head back. Another 3 hours on the beach and more internal soul searching. While it still did drizzle a little bit when I headed back, as I walked, the clouds subsided completely and the sun came back. It was at this point that I decided I felt gross. While it wasn’t that hot, the humidity had essentially made me drenched. Just to freshen up, I stripped down to just my shorts and jumped in the water.

The water was salty but the temperature was essentially the same as the air. I rinsed off all my sweat then lay down and just floated for a bit. Salt water, if nothing else it was great for floating. After staring at the sky and watching the last few clouds leave, I sat down closer to the shore. Submerged entirely in the water up to my neck, I gazed out at the horizon again. It looked different this time than when I started this very long walk. There was a bit more darkness in the distance and you could tell that another storm would be here later tonight. That was a long while from now though. 

I stayed there for a good hour. Just sitting in the water taking in the beauty of the sun rays on the waves. I pondered that the situation was currently like my own. There’s a patch of sunlight now but there will be rain soon. Just like how there’s a bit of vacation time now but when I get back to Canada, I’ll have to scramble to wherever the coordinators can send me to do more clinical hours. But does this really make my current time unenjoyable? The thought that stress was on the way? 

I found it hard to relax in the current situation. With or without my upbringing was like mine, there’s a lot of things in the air at the moment. But the environment I was in and the calming splash of water gave me solace. 

“Maybe I don’t have to worry about any of this.” 

I thought that. Maybe it’s okay to set an alarm on my phone a few days from now and just compartmentalize all the stress to hit me then. Maybe while I’m this far away from Canada and anyone I know, I don’t have to work or do anything. Enough thinking. I feel like I was forcing insight to be had while walking on the beach. But do I really need to? Maybe vacationing can be just that. A vacation. No more talking about anything. No more hard thinking about myself. No more trying to figure myself out. Maybe just be in the moment now. Just BE for now. 

On the beach, I decided to give this a try. The world was in chaos on all the news feeds but I was powerless to do much about it. So…why bother with it all? Why not just live in the moment and see where that takes me? Not everything has to have meaning. My awkward sitting on a beach session came to an end when I saw a jellyfish swim about 30cm in front of my hands. I jumped. They were much further past the coast just a few hours ago but I think the light drizzle may have pulled them closer in somehow. Since I didn’t know anything about jellyfish and didn’t want to risk getting stung, I hopped out and continued my journey home along the beach. 

Before I reached my hotel, I stopped by another pho place and ordered some takeout. The walk back had been a little longer than the path there at around 5 hours (including my very long sitting in the water) and seeing as how it was now late, dark and full of overcast clouds, I kind of assumed I wouldn’t get to leave my hotel for the rest of the night. 

When I got in, I took a shower and then settled in my newly bought clothes from the night before. The hotel did not have their AC on but it wasn’t a bad temperature inside. Having a roof over my head and also some walls also meant that the humidity didn’t really get to me either. While I had planned on sleeping around 10pm or so, I slept much much earlier than that. By my estimate, I must have drifted off around 8pm. I blame the pho. Despite the cheap price, it came with a LOT of food. After eating it, I’m pretty sure the food coma knocked me out. 

Regardless of how it came to be, I found myself woken up in the middle of the night by sounds of crashing thunder. My hotel was sturdy. The walls were relatively thick and the room was not leaking or anything. It was operating fine. But the thunder was just so much louder. The dark clouds I saw on my way home were now here and boy, did they have presence. A mix of a now-messed-up sleep cycle and deafening noise meant that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I turned to my clock and found that it was 4am in the morning. 

My curtains weren’t black out. Whenever lightning struck, I got glimpses of shadows peaking into my room. I was fully awake. This was frustrating. Well, it did at first at least. Between the deafening thunderstorm and the soundscape the rain splatters made in my room, I suddenly realized that all my troubles didn’t seem to be so important anymore. I mean, while I wasn’t directly out in the rain, I was now experiencing the power of nature resonating near me. In the face of such a large force, why bother with my small squabbles? 

There was probably more than just the sounds of nature that made me touch grass. I think there was also just the fact that I had been thinking about my troubles pretty much every second for the last few weeks also and at this point, my brain was tired of the thought. This train of thought had lost precedence and had become boring. 

It was then that I had an idea. Could I use the loudness of the storm to my advantage? Can I concentrate so hard on the rain that I stop thinking about anything else? I treated this like a game. Seeing how long I can go with just concentrating on the rain without having a singular thought. While I filed more times than I can count, doing this really sets my mind at ease. I would later come to find out that this was essentially what meditating was (though usually you used your breathing instead of deafening rain). 

Regardless, it eventually allowed me to go to sleep for a few more hours that night. This would be the first time I recall myself trying to meditate actively. It wouldn’t be the last though. This is one of those habits I would keep for quite a bit of time. While I’m not entirely sure how useful it is scientifically, I can’t help but feel better after every time I tried doing it. Placebo or not, it worked for me. I would explore this meditation thing a lot more in the coming year, a time when stress would come again and again. 

As you may expect. This means that the troubles and woes in my life weren’t yet over. In fact, looking back on my journals. All the tribulations so far are trivial compared to what was about to happen. But more on that later, the inciting event that kicks off this blog wouldn’t happen for a few more minor roadblocks.